An atheist again

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MrGreen78's picture
An atheist again

I have decided to join the Atheist Republic. Just very recently, I started calling myself an atheist again. I realized that I don't have any belief in any kind of deity. I was an atheist for several years but started experimenting with liberal religions but I am finding liberal religions to be unsatisfying. It wasn't until recently I realized that I was "chasing phantoms" and I came to the conclusion that I was being silly. I started reading a book by a former minister turned atheist, titled Ten Tough Problems in Christian Thought and Belief that made me realize if any god wanted me to believe in him/her/it, then such a being could've revealed her/him/itself to me. The last straw came very recently when a coworker who I had a crush on told me that she was taken. It hurt. I thought she might have been an interesting match for me. I thought about all of the people in this world who are hurting, in pain, and I realized that the hurt I felt was the tip of the iceberg. And what did any divine being do for them? What is any divine being doing for them?

A bit about me: I am nearly 40 years old. I grew up in a Christian family, the son of a minister, and I became an on-fire, born-again, fundamentalist at age 14 and renounced my faith a decade later after I became convinced that the Bible is not the word of any divine being. I didn't become an atheist right away or overnight. It took a while. I became a deist because I loved deism. I eventually became an agnostic and finally an atheist. However, I found Secular Humanism unsatisfying and realizing that I never gave liberal religions and even liberal theism a chance, I experimented with liberal religions. I was a Unitarian Universalist for three years until the death of a kid, the son of a good friend of mine, died of a brain tumor. If any deity was out there, why wasn't this boy healed? I even prayed for this boy, on the off-chance that there might be a divine healing of some sort. When my liberal faith was killed, I left the UU church. I started attending a progressive United Methodist Church but I am considering quitting that, too.

I have to say that I am not joyful or particularly thrilled at being an atheist but I feel it's the only honest position for me to take. I would love for there to be a divine being who loves us and willed us unto existence but if there's no evidence or cogent arguments for such a being, and I come to that conclusion, I have to be honest about it. If any divine being exists, I want to know why there is evil and suffering. Why do innocent people suffer? If any divine being exists, why doesn't that divine being persuade people so thoroughly that it's impossible to disbelieve? So, I am an atheist again. I am not an antitheist and I don't detest all religion. I am not angry at religion and I have made peace with my past. I treat believers and other theists with respect if they show respect first. Otherwise, I avoid them and shun them if necessary.

Thanks for reading,

Matthew

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Pitar's picture
To convey a Welcome to you is

To convey a Welcome to you is an odd bit of formality when you openly admit to begrudging your lot, but at least you have already exploited all avenues that ultimately took you here.

Practical atheism is the destination and practical theism is the path. All who do not arrive there are either in denial or of a psyche I do not care to know and watch warily.

Your search is admirable. I think everyone would love to know they have purpose but it just doesn't seem to be the ultimate shape of the puzzle pieces we are given to assemble.

I do not harbor ill thoughts about people who are reaching for something more than the cold hard truth of mortality. We're involuntarily given life, death and an instinct to survive. Wonderful. It's that last part that we conjure all manner of supernatural assistance from in the form of hope. We worship hope, which is to say we worship our own imaginations for their comforting thoughts. Then, our logic can no longer be concealed and we sigh that unwanted sigh.

We deal with it. Keeping an open mind about the rest of the world is what we have left but at least it's entertaining. I hope you settle your soul, such that it is, and at least find a suitable life companion.

MrGreen78's picture
Thanks Pitar.

Thanks Pitar.

I understand about the reluctance to formally welcome me. While I am very fond of the idea that we were willed into existence, I take a great deal of refuge at the thought that, at the very least, it will never turn out to be any kind of fundamentalist or conservative theism. I loathe and shudder at the thought of being under, to use the words of the late Christopher Htichens, a "celestial dictatorship". This is what frightens me about Christian fundamentalism and even Evangelicalism-this creepy notion that there is a heavenly tyrant that wants totalitarian control over our very lives down to the most seemingly insignificant minutiae.

As for the last sentence, I think I have given up trying to find a life companion. When Rachael told me that she had a boyfriend, in a moment of heartbreak, I swore off any romantic relationships with any woman, whatsoever, for the rest of my life. I think what might satisfy me best is probably an atheist friend with benefits. As of this very moment in time, I really can't see the point of any romantic relationship anymore. The same with kids. I adore children but I can't see any point in having any kids of my own.

Matthew

ThePragmatic's picture
Welcome Matthew.

Welcome Matthew.

Even if it's somewhat reluctant for you, I'm happy to hear that yet another person has "woken up".

- "I would love for there to be a divine being who loves us and willed us unto existence"

That is what I think is one of the cornerstones in the success of religion. Many seem to feel a wish for it to be true. No wonder you've been on a journy...

- "...but I feel it's the only honest position for me to take."

You hit the nail on the head there.

- "I think I have given up trying to find a life companion. ...in a moment of heartbreak, I swore off any romantic relationships with any woman, whatsoever, for the rest of my life."

I've actually been exactly in the state you describe.
But from that moment, things slowly started to change for the better. It didn't just change to an easy or care free road, but instead continues with the usual up's and down's, twists and turns. But that is what life is, traveling that road. To make the best of it in bad times, appreciating what one has and trying to enjoy as much of it as possible.

/Edit: Corrected some spelling errors.

Endri Guri's picture
You've come a long road to

You've come a long road to realize that, I just came through reading books early on, at the age of 12. But your experiences really pinpoints the "ifs" and "hows" of every agnostic person such as myself (now Atheist).

Well, welcome "back", I guess? I would believe it's hard for someone who's been conflicting between realities and illusions, you are responding to your conscience and I find no problem at that, although I wish many people could take a course to test "religion" as you did.

algebe's picture
Welcome MatthewG

Welcome MatthewG

Congratulations on your freedom. I'm sorry the journey has been such a painful one for you.

The religious mindset reminds me of the old Dusty Springfield song, "Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'". Praying is about the most futile act a human being can do, and religions are just deceiving us when they tell us our prayers will be answered. When we face a problem or crisis, we achieve nothing on our knees with our eyes shut and hands clasped. We need to be standing up, eyes open, brains active, and hands ready to hold onto to what's precious or grab hold of new opportunities. That's been my approach to life since I evicted Sky Daddy, Sonny Boy and the Spook from my head 50 years ago.

biggus dickus's picture
Yo Biggus here. Yeah I was

Yo Biggus here. Yeah I was born pagan But I can tell you about a guy like you which i knew If you wish. just reply if you would like to hear it anyway. This jesus cwist was just a magician hired for a party which I attended he was not even that good all he did was turn water to wine I can do that to you know.

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