HI!
I'm new to this forum, but not new to the community. I've been an atheist for 10 years (now I'm 24), but right now religion ruins my love life.
I'm from Belarus, former USSR. One day on Facebook I met a Spanish guy. He was working in Poland, which is very close to my country, and when he came to my town with friends, we realized we liked each other so much. We spent a night together, but nothing really happened, we decided not to risk, I didn't want to get pregnant.
After that he went back to Poland and told me he's a Catholic and if I want to start relationships with him I should accept that God would also take part in it. I was shocked and frustrated, I told him I'm an Atheist and I would not be able to believe in God even if wanted to, but I would accept him and his beliefs. Then he said that because our views on life are different, we would break up. I was heartbroken and blocked him on FB. Within the next 7 months he was trying to talk to me, saying he would like to be friends but I ignored him.
This autumn I suddenly accepted his friend request. I don't know why, maybe I was curious. We started talking and decided to be friends. Time heals, so I was able to agree.
After some time our feelings came back again, he texted me that he missed me and came to my town again. We spent 3 days together, it was a wonderful time, we were both happy. He was trying to sleep with me, but due to certain state my body was in it was impossible.
After he came back to Poland he told me he wanted to be with me and I should be ready to accept his beliefs. I told him that he was free to believe what he wanted to believe and go to church, I would be even ready to go with him sometimes if needed just because I value him so much.
But then he started to talk about things I will never understand.
He told me: "although you aren't a Catholic, you would need to agree on certain Catholic values. For example, no contraceptives methods are allowed. We should be always open to new life, if that's God's will. The only thing the couple can do is, if they seriously think they can't afford more children at the moment, follow natural planning methods. Which basically allow the woman to understand in which phase she is. I've met older couples who follow these methods, and they are happy with them. For Catholics, to have a new child cannot be bad news anyway, so cannot be unsafe. But without implementing any artificial barrier. I know the predominant values nowadays are different".
I was so shocked and scared I couldn't work ( I was in office). I told him that in a modern world it would be almost impossible to find a young girl who would truly accept this kind of requirements. And that I'm not ready to give bitrth as many times as natural planning methods would require. It would make me disabled sick person. It is my body and my health and it's me who would have pain and problems in any case. I could even die because I have certain health problems.
Now he says that with time he would be able to convince me that it's not dangerous and that there's a whole reasoning behind it.
What I think is that when you are a Catholic of such kind and you meet a girl and you like each other, this is the first thing you should tell her. Not to have any problems in future and . Or you should get into some Catholic society where it is considered to be ok. If you are this kind of man, you should look for the same kind of woman. I'm not sure that even among them he would be able to find any girl who would agree with that), but he should not make "average" girls like me suffer.
I spoke to some of my fellow Catholics and googled. I found out in the statictics that only 7-10 % of Catholics don't use contraceptives. How come there are such people like him nowadays in the 21st century?
I'm not trying to make him an atheist. I didn't try to convince him. I'm giving him freedom to think like he would like to think.
But he doesn't give me that right. Seems that between him and me it's only me who should make concessions.
And other things are really ok, I'm very tolerant person, but this is related to my life. My health is not very good even now and I'm not ready to risk.
Maybe you all would think I'm stupid but it seems that I fell in love with him.
Do you think it is possible to save this relationships and would it be worth it?
Sorry for such a huge post, I really needed to vent and to feel some support.
Thanks for reading...
P.S. Sorry if my English is not perfect.
Hugs. <3
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Wow , Briefly I think in any relationship the couple should agree on those kind of ideas which is gonna affect their relationship .. His beliefs is fine but it shouldn't be against your health he should care more about that .. For me I really do care about the mentally relationship , And it's fine to have a relationship with a guy who believe in any kind of ideas but that ideas shouldn't be harmful or make your relationship more difficult .. He should understand also when it comes to you you're an atheist you don't believe in those things .. His physical beliefs should be on him as a person who believe in it .. Absolute metaphysical things it's fine you can handle with it , Wish you the best
Thanks for your post, you see the main point here - ANY ideas shouldn't be harmful.
Personally I think that you are free to believe in anything just so long as it doesn't harm anyone else.
Seems he is willing to discard his Catholic values against premarital sex when it suits his desires. Yet is unwilling to bend the rules to accommodate your medical needs.
My advise: run and don't look back. I'm sure you have no shortage of good partners to choose from. Pick a better one. At least pick one who will put your needs before their desires.
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Welcome to AR!
I concur with Nyarlathotep. You deserve way better.
Thank you Rohan, I really start feeling better as I read this.
@Natassia
No problem!
Heyy I wish I could learn how to post the quotes:)
I agree with you. He told me he "broke enough rules" with me and wanted to be right.
It's amazing how theists love double standards.
If it's their beliefs - everyone should respect that. If it's somebody else's beliefs and values - nah, no need to respect.
I don't know how among plenty of good partners we girls choose the most difficult one.
Thank you so much. <3
Nastassia: "Heyy I wish I could learn how to post the quotes:)"
<blockquote> is the tag for that. Read about it here.
And welcome to our little corner of godless pagans... I mean atheists... I mean rational free thinkers. Yeah, that's the ticket.
In answer to your OP, run like hell. The number of "Nones" is increasing. You should be able to find one.
rmfr
Hey Arakish, I know that this is a little off-topic, but how do I use boldface? I'm getting tired of using my caps-lock key for emphasis.
@ Rohan: "... but how do I use boldface?"
The <strong> tag for that. Read about the formatting codes here.
rmfr
@Nastassia
"He told me he "broke enough rules" with me and wanted to be right.
It's amazing how theists love double standards."
It is worse than that, he was attempting to manipulate you with guilt. He was portraying your atheism as something that had a negative effect on him, and it was your fault. He is not taking ownership of his decisions and actions.
And by "wanting to be right" meant that you have to convert to his beliefs.
For the record Nastassia, you are not in the wrong, nor did you do anything wrong.
Hi Nastassia. IMO, this guy is a dirtbag. His feelings for you are completely conditional. He will not accept you for who you are. It sounds like he wants to clothe you in his notion of what a spouse should be.
I agree with Nyarlathotep, run! Don’t look back.
Hi Nastassia,
I feel like your time would be better spent on someone a little more progressive. I know you have/had strong feelings for this guy, but he does not respect your views and quite frankly, I don't even think he respects his own views. I never heard about the religious person being allowed to put their religious lives on pause in order to share a bed with someone for the night. Personally, I don't need those kind of people around me. You said "How come there are such people like him nowadays in the 21st century?" This is a great question and it's a shame, but you seem nice and you probably don't need toxic company like that. My 2 cents.
P.S. your English is great =)
Hey! Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate it)
I totally agree with you - I should pick someine more progressive. If this man was born in the 19th century he would be really happy. But now I don't think he will ever find anyone. He's 31 and never had serious relationship. That should be a sign.
It's a shame and sometimes when I start thinking about it my head explodes. I feel sorry for the planet and for this kind of people.
P.S. Thanks, this is priceless for anyone from Russian-speaking country. (like me) :)
Pojaluista =) (I hope I said that correctly lol)
In all likelihood he will not change, you should run, as the others have said.
As pretty much everyone on this thread has said before, you need to RUN and find someone better, and who does not want to mould you into their vision of a relationship, who is capable of respecting your choices, and who does not instantly announce their plans for your ENTIRE relationship at the start.
I understand you may feel what you think is love, and I’m not trying to claim to understand your feelings better than you, but maybe with this guy, who you’ve only met a sparse few times, you aren’t truly in love. To me love cannot happen overnight. You might be in lust, have passion for this man, you may like everything you Know about him so far, but every person has many secrets and hidden motives. When a big red flag shows up right at the get go, like you can’t use contraceptives, that typically means there are other, larger, sharks in the water. I just want you to know that as it happens with child predators and other bad sexual predators, typically the first attempt is to look like a “good guy.” And usually it works, because even the most twisted guy can seem perfectly normal. If you see signs that this guy has some sort of strange or off-putting sexual tendencies, such as not using contraceptives or trying to have sex at an early point in relationship, that is a key red flag for sexual predator/deviant. I’m not trying to say that this guy is definitely a pervert or bad man at all, I’m just trying to get you to realize that if there are some parts of your sex life, relationship, or any other aspect of your life where a man is trying to dominate, control, or change you that can mean a lot of negative, strange things about his own character.
I agree, love cannot happen overnight. He was just the only man with whom I felt something I'd never felt before. Maybe it means nothing and my emotions are talking instead of me right now.
What you are talking about is very very scary for me, but still it makes sense.
The thing is that having something with this guy can be dangerous, because even if he agrees to use the contraceptive, he may break a condom for example. Just because he has something in his head.
Anyway, putting religion before all else (life and health) has always scared me.
Wow guys, I cannot be thankful enough to you all for your posts, it really means a lot for me. I just felt a big warm hug. :)
Gonna follow your advice.
Nastassia: "I agree, love cannot happen overnight."
But sometimes it can. My wife and I met due to a car accident. Up until that point, I always believed the "love at first sight" thing was just a huge pile of horse hoowhee. Then it happened to me. She said it did not really happen for her until our first date. Because we were living in Wilmington, NC, one of her first questions was to ask me about religion. I flat told her that I despise all religion. She later told me that she "knew."
Reiteration: Run like hell. Don't look back. You can find another than is a rational free thinker. We are out there, and our numbers are increasing.
rmfr
And adding on to the second paragraph of Arakish's above comment, have you noticed how those social justice warriors (if you'll forgive the term) on social media are always talking about how atheism is "male-dominated"? If that's the case, then a godless match will not at all be hard for you to find. ;)
Goatspeed.
Nastassia, you are the one who should be in control of the relationship, you are what the guys are after. You’re beautiful and obviously smart enough to shirk off religion, just know that there are plenty of guys out there who would do anything to form a relationship with you. Don’t let men take control because all they want is sex and if you let them they’ll walk all over you to get what they want. As the woman, you are the one who can lead men by allowing or disallowing sex, playing hard to get, and generally asking men to do things for you. Remember that YOU should be in control, and the man should respect that. If a man ever tries to cross boundaries without your permission drop him and find a man who will respect you, desire you for you (as opposed to just sex), and is willing to listen to you as an equal or even superior. They are out there I promise you. This may sound manipulative to you, but really it is testing a man’s character. Testing patience, respect for you, willpower, Effort put in, and moral integrity. If a man fails any of these tests (give or take a few mistakes) he’s not worth it for you. Cherish yourself and men will cherish you in return.
It is my pleasure to meet you Nastassia. I am old, 68 years. Please believe me when I say that your life has just begun, and you will have many, many wonderful years ahead of you. So you can take your time.
I have a wonderful wife, and she is the most important thing in my life. Nothing takes precedence.
For this guy from Spain, religion will always be more important than you. He loves his religion more than he can ever love you. You will never find complete happiness and peace with him.
Trust me, you will find someone better.
Adding on to what David said above: In my opinion, we godless heathens make better lovers because we are not compelled by some poorly-written, bronze-aged storybook to love some cruel, sadistic, genocidal, narcissistic, and (thankfully) nonexistent sky-fairy over every good human being who is close to us. True, not all of us may be good, but there is also an abundance of good, ethical atheists.
Yes, If you are going to marry a Catholic you will have to meet with the Preacher 3 times and agree on raising your children Catholic and all the other crap he talks about., That's what Conservative Catholics do. The Church will not allow the relationship if you do not agree.
You say he is Spanish, and ask how can he think the way he does in this century. " 68.5% of the population in Spain define themselves as Catholic." It's just one of those countries that the Catholic Church has a death grip on. The Philippines would be another and pretty much all of South America. Bolivia Catholic 76.8%, Brazil 63%, Argentina 76.5%, Peru 81.3%, Mexico 83.9%, and my favorite because I visit there frequently ,,,, The Philippines: 80.58%. There is a reason Catholics have been able to hide pedophiles all over the world and protect them from prosecution.
And what Cog said above is exactly the reason why I'm never gonna marry a theist when I grow up. I'm fine with dating or befriending one, but I am not, repeat, NOT lying to my children about a sky-daddy that I don't even believe in anymore, lying to them about how the world works, or raising them to never question, think, or live for themselves and to see themselves as being small, stupid, weak, sheep in need of herding, unworthy and in need of redemption, lost and in need of saving, and broken and in need of fixing because some lady who lived 6,000-10,000 years ago (depending on who you ask) wanted a magical apple. In fact, it pricks my heart to think that parents still think that they should convince their kids to believe such utter horseshit about themselves and humanity. :(
I have been where you are girl! Piece of advice just let it go and never look back otherwise you'll be stuck with it for the rest of your life. It's a good thing that you didn't get pregnant or it would've been a HUGE mess. I have been with agnostics and Christians and Catholics girls but it never worked as they'll always try to change who you are. It's simple as that.....!!
What SUPERNOVA said. If he got you pregnant (and thank goodness he didn’t), then he and his family would have a HUGE DRAMA. Knowing their type, his parents would be trying to force you into marrying him, and if you didn’t want that SOB’s child and had an abortion, they’d go completely ballistic. I’m glad you didn’t have to go through that.
Nastassia: "P.S. Sorry if my English is not perfect."
Boy I missed this one even though it was at the end. See. Your English ain't that bad. Else I'd've noticed this. Hell your English is even better than some Americans I know.
BTW: Beautiful name. Always loved that one.
rmfr
We broke up yesterday because he made me listen to a nice sermon.
He was like
"what I mean is I'm not a "conservative Catholic". I'm just a person who thinks that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and tries to live accordingly, despite my many mistakes and deviations. So when it comes to sex and affectivity it is the same. First of all you need to know that, although it may sound really stupid for you, according to my knowledge and life´s experience, the closer you are to God the happier you are. Cause God is the source of love. So people are amazing, but we all are limited, we also hurt each other, and our happiness cannot depend on people. In other words, people can´t make you happy, although it´s obvious that some people make our lifes much better. Next thing is the approach to affection and sexuality from that perspective. Those things are not toys you can use and dismiss when you get tired of them. People are not to be treated as objects. So building a solid relationship is sth which requires strong willing and efforts. From this perspective, marriage is the union of a woman and a man also with God as part of that union, so He is there during good and bad times as well. That commitment between a man and a woman means that each other decide that it is going to be "you, only you, and for the rest of our lives". Of course, to be able to make such commitment, you need to be very sure. So you need to get to know the other person very well. And, obviously, you'll be taking some risks. But when you know the other person thinks about it that way too, you know that it can't be anything but a successful relationship. Because both are one the same boat, willing to work for it no matter what. It´s a concept of love which doesn´t consider love as only a feeling, but also as commitment, respect, mutual admiration,...And always from the perspective of "what I can do for the other person" instead of "what can I get from him/her". So then more especifically about sex. As this is a very intimate thing, we think it must be treated in a delicate way. Of course we have some animal pulse, which makes us do silly things sometimes. But we can't deny what we do in this sphere affects our entire life. Cause it involves a really deep union, at least from the physical perspective, and often also from an emotional perspective. So that is why we think it is better to wait for this until marriage. As before marriage, you have the chance to get to know the person, and to think carefully and seriously (also together) if you want to be together for the rest of your lives. I'm not saying it's easy, as you may suspect. But it gives the couple a wider space to get to know each other without undesired interference. from this perspective, sex involves many things. It's the strongest way to show you love and affection from a physical perspective. So it's about love, it's also about pleasure, and, by nature, it's also the way to reproduce ourselves. All those aspects are involved from a Catholic perspective, kids are not a punishment, they're a gift from God.
So implementing artificial barriers between wife and husband when having sex would mean sth like saying "ok God, I want you to be with me, but in this case let me go my own way, I don´t need you here". "(LMAO guys this is priceless) :DDDDDD
From a more purely human perspective, those barriers also tend to dehumanize the sexual act. If we avoid the chance of having children by having sex, then it can easily become just a way to use each other for our own pleasure. I stop seeing you as a person, and I start considering you as a sexual toy. To satisfy my needs anytime I want, so probably our nature is like it is for a reason. "
After that he started insulting atheists telling they're stupid. I just told I would never ever understand this. Isn't this crazy? How can such crazy ideas be in a person's head? When he's living among us in the 21st century, using all the modern conveniences which was invented despite all the efforts undertaken by religion against science? This leaves me speechless.
And here we are.
It is painful, but I know I have just saved myself from "larger sharks in the water".
Definitely it's gonna be quite an experience in my life. Because even my friends who define themselves as Catholics told me he's crazy.
Thank you all for the support, you helped me so much and I felt like I'm not alone.
Love this place more and more every time.)
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