I went to urgent care last night

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Mikhael's picture
I went to urgent care last night

Hey.

I had a hard relapse last night. I'm really disappointed in myself. I was doing really good resisting my compulsion and staying busy. But my wife is out of town, I got so sad and lonely and homesick, missing my family across country. I googled saints again, I read up on catherine laboure, who made all these predictions that came true, some she wrote herself, some that might have been added later, idk. There's also a nun in the 1600s who predicted a ton of shit about the 19th and 20th centuries, our lady of quito or something. Its terrifying

I had a friend take me to urgent. I was desperate and felt like I was drowning. They deemed me not an immediate danger to myself, sent me home with triazalam to sleep, which is good, I need that. I'm home today, with my cats. I just wanted to pop in. I don't know where I go now. Psych check up in a couple days. Hopefully some answers. Trying to stay rested and busy. I'm gonna ask my wife to come with me to my appointment I think. My normal therapist is considering an OCD type diagnosis which makes sense.

Idk, im. Tired and lost right now.

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FreeAtLast's picture
Hey guys. I am new on this

Hope all is well!

Tin-Man's picture
@Mikhael

@Mikhael

Hey there, dude. Really sorry to hear about that. Hope you are leveling out somewhat at least now. Listen, remember when Cog mentioned using your artist skills to help you with your problem? I meant to elaborate on that a bit more, but got sidetracked with things that have been going on in my real life lately. My apologies for that. Anyway, I wanted to suggest you try doing exactly what Cog suggested, because the art stuff is exactly what helped my wife get through a really tough period that started shortly before the time she and I first met several years ago. She used her painting skills to basically "tell the story" of the thoughts and feelings she was having as the situation developed. Over the course of several months, she ended up with an entire series of paintings that clearly chronicled the events she experienced. Matter of fact, some of those pics I shared on the other thread are from that series of paintings. She has since sold a few of them over time, but a majority of them are still hanging on a wall in our spare bedroom as a reminder of the difficulties she faced and how she triumphed over them.

Mikhael, as I have said before, you have an amazing gift/talent. Use it to your advantage. Yes, believe me, I am very well aware of how difficult it can be sometimes to start working on creating something when distracted by invasive thoughts. In this case, however, as it was with my wife, you have to completely put aside what others may think about the artwork you produce. Throw that shit out the window, and simply focus on yourself and allow your drawing abilities to help rid yourself of whatever infectious thoughts that may be poisoning your system. You may never show them to another person, but that does not matter. This isn't about other people. This is about YOU. Ask your therapist what he/she thinks about the idea. At this point, you should be focused on doing whatever it takes to clear your head and rid yourself of the debilitating compulsions that are controlling you. Get well soon, young man.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
A good move Michael. Don't be

A good move Michael. Don't be frightened off of doing it again (going to Urgent Care) if you feel the need to.

Like any addict you are going to fall off the wagon at some point.

Just get the fuck back up, dust yourself off and start again. Next time you may last a month and fall off the wagon, the time after 6 months. It doesnt matter what matters is you resist the google monster day by day, until it replaces the habit you have.

As we have all said you need a counter trigger to stop you. When you have the urge to google these ridiculous horror stories STOP, go for a walk, recite a long poem, play tag with a cat, read a Marvel comic ANYTHING but make it consistent, something you enjoy and you will have a partial defence.
What will happen is that, you will find yourself automatically doing that action whenever temptation strikes......

Anyways, well done for the actions you took Michael. Self help is often a good emedicine coupled with expert treatment.

David Killens's picture
I am concerned about your

I am concerned about your welfare Mikhael, but you are somehow stumbling through the woods without tripping. Please, my friend, take care on your road to wellness.

And many unknown faces are standing on the sidelines cheering for you. Please, never forget that.

As Old man intimated, right now Google is your enemy, it will drag you down into a pit of despair. Understand what will hurt you right now.

And Tin Man has offered a strategy, to find a distraction that keeps you busy doing something that takes you away from the searching. I do this constantly, I divert my attention away from any angst, and have various diversions in place. I have three different games on my computer, and play them depending on my mood. I have a racing sim, which is my pleasant addiction. I have a blow-them-up game, in the form of World of Warships, and one very slow turn-based role-playing game. Or I will just take my dog for a walk.

Angst: a feeling of persistent worry about something trivial.

Mikhael's picture
Thanks yall. Wife is home now

Thanks yall. Wife is home now, we're dealing. Glad I have insurance through work. Psych appointment Wednesday, downloaded a bunch of jigsaw puzzle apps for on the go distraction

thelargerbowl's picture
Sorry to read about your

Sorry to read about your struggles. I have OCD myself. Mine is more about compulsions with neatness and having things clean. When going to a therapist, keep something in mind. They will pull out the prescription pad as a cure all. I am not saying you might not benefit from medication or not. What I am saying, is that you need to find a way to cope. It isn't easy to say the least. I cannot take anti-depressants myself, some people can.

Stress is an obvious trigger and will send your obsessions and/or compulsions into full speed ahead! I use music as a coping mechanism as it is my main interest in life. I also use this group to remind me that I am not alone in my thinking about how religion is just mind control.

Also remember that fear is about the greatest tool people past and present have used and still use to make us not think logically.

Art, music and literature are a gift from REAL people who have lived and used them to not only help themselves, but anyone willing to give it a try themselves.

It is a long road, but you are not on it alone.

Mikhael's picture
Not much done on this but I'm

Not much done on this but I'm trying to focus on it this week.

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Tin-Man's picture
@Mikhael

@Mikhael

Wow! I know it isn't finished, but even just partially done, the detail on that is friggin' amazing! How the hell do you do that?

Mikhael's picture
Tin, I've been drawing since

Tin, I've been drawing since I have conscious menory, so from like 3 years old. It was the only thing I ever wanted to do in life, for 26+ years now, so it's just a lifetime of passion, dedication, and the good foetutnw of having a school district with really good art education programs growing up. Additionally I also have a visual impairment issue that chases me to be near sighted and have to be up close to focus my eyes on things, which I think has actually been beneficial for me to study intricate details and textures that others miss. Thank you for your kind words! I'm at my table now working:3

LogicFTW's picture
Nice art work Mikhael.

Nice art work Mikhael.

I don't know what advice I can offer that might help you, but to repeat:

Assume everything you read on the internet as false until proven true, (with real means, not just words on a page.)

Try to consider the motive and agendas of the authors that write what you read, esp. if not well proven. The crazier and more significant the claim, the greater the need for real evidence.

A river or lake may cure you of all ills if you bathe in it and follow a particular religious protocol? That is one HUUUGGGEEEE! claim. Consider it false. Until very well proven otherwise. And I mean something like: worldwide news where basic scientific principle findings on things like molecular biology and chemistry have been found to be completely wrong in when it comes to a particular body of water and highly fleeting, and extremely localized science breaking phenomena.

You would not even have to being paying attention or having to do any research yourself. You could be living under a rock, and you will find out easily such a monumental shift in all that we humans have learned, has happened. You do not need to obsessively research any of this, if any of it were to be found to be factually true, it would be world wide news to the level that even tRump would get jealous because no one would be paying attention to him anymore.

Which even after decades of research and testing, no scientist anywhere has found any sort of evidence that cannot be easily explained away by random chance and the placebo effect.

Mikhael's picture
I try really hard remember

I try really hard remember your words throughout the hard days, logic, because I know you're right. If everything else turns out to have an explanation, odds are so will other shit.

We're having winter storms right now and my psych called to push back tomorrow's appointment to the 30th, which is pretty shirty. I have already waited nearly a month to get in, and it's not doing me well waiting longer but welcome to the mental health care system, yay. Working on distraction techniques and when I feel compulsion to Google that get too hard to ignore , if I can't distract myself by going outside or drawing or something, I put on something education and freethoufht like holy koolaid or aron ra, so that I'm at least getting a positive reinforcement. I keep reminding myself that I have never ended up better off by googling, and it's always been a bad idea, but boy my brain is still like, 'Google our lady of quito again, look up how accurate those prophesies were, do it do it do it"

I'm gonna do a puzzle instead

LogicFTW's picture
If you run out of

If you run out of distractions, perhaps try:

Pick up fun entry level books on chemistry, biology, and if you are feeling bold physics. Don't worry about getting college level textbooks, just fun, intro books. Read them, understand them. And if you get real curious about something you read in those books, feel free to pick up another book on the subject. (stay away from the internet for follow up research!) If you get stuck on any of the concepts feel free to share them here, there are people here a lot smarter than me that can probably help.

When you read these books, you will begin to form a firm structure of what reality is, how things work, and why things like lady of quito is so ridiculous when looked at in a critical way with basic understanding of chemistry, biology and physics.

When you understand the basics of human biology like, how our body creates and uses glucose, and the caloric limitations those place. And exactly why humans can not spontaneously regrow limbs due to basic biology chemistry and physic rules, these ideas get that much easier to dismiss as ridiculous.

Mikhael's picture
That's actually a really good

That's actually a really good idea, build up more of a view in reality. I think that could help. I'm especially interested in psychology, which could help to read up on. My brain is currently obsessed with how religious visionaries even in groups apparently don't react to being pinched or pricked or slapped, which I mean I know is just second hand reports but it might also do good to learn about how the brain can produce euphoria and detachment you know ?

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