I feel isolated and alone. I don't even know where to start. To me, the struggle I deal with on a daily basis is pure mental torture. I came from a family where both sets of grandparents were religious christian fanatics. My parents were believers, but we rarely attended church. My background was christian based. My family tree consisted of christian beliefs. Whenever I was introduced to people by family the response was always, " Is he a christian?" Like if I wasn't, it was some kind of crime? I call myself an atheist, but am more like an agnostic. I still struggle and can't figure out how to be set free. Most everything I see and read sounds ludicrous and full of hypocrisy. I watch people suffer like my mother, who on her death bed praised jesus name as I watched her die from cancer. I need friends as I have none. I live with my elderly father who has almost died four times in the last year. I curse god on a daily basis and then wonder why I am doing that. People I know tell me I simply do not understand as this is the devils domain and all will be made clear in the end. To me the idea of a cloud guy sitting up wherever doing nothing is just plain nuts! Yet I cannot understand why I still struggle with the question, what if there is a god?

I wish I could be set free and be at peace with not only calling myself an atheist, but actually being one. To me, that would mean I could live in peace with not only myself, but have the knowledge that other's would have to respect my belief in not believing.

Anyone that can help me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!