The biggest lie ever told

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Up To My Neck's picture
The biggest lie ever told

Of course when Jesus was resurrected, the body disappeared as well!! The tomb was empty! No body to bury! Nothing but a story! So instead of his soul, or ghost appearing to the liars.,. I mean followers, the whole god damned body left the tomb and ascended into heaven! Yeah right! Happy fucking Easter you bunch of brain dead fucks. The bunny is more believable.

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Sapporo's picture
The internet over the years

The internet over the years has been filled with urban legends of a similar dubious quality to the Jesus story, yet somehow they are supposed to be less believable because they are recent and are not followed by a billion people.

Cognostic's picture
WAIT! There were eye

WAIT! There were eye witnesses. THE GOSPEL OF PETER.

The sealed tomb of Jesus was dramatically opened by two men who descend from heaven in a blinding light on Saturday night. How could anyone not notice that? The Guards are scared shitless and just stair dumbfounded. "Jesus came out of the tomb as tall as a mountain, his head stretching to the heavens, supported by the two men / angels, nearly as tall themselves. Behind them, from the tomb, emerges a magical walking talking cross, addresses God in heaven. The cross assures God that the message of salvation has been delivered.

Now how would anyone know all this detailed information without actually being there? “Mary of Magdala then shows up with some of her friends to do some Jewish version of last rites. They encounter a young man in the tomb who tells them Jesus is risen and gone to heaven. And after that??? EVERYONE FREAKS OUT AND RUNS AWAY

Now if you are going to have Easter bunnies and Chocolate eggs, talking crosses with pull strings and angels would probably be a good addition. Like you said! It's all a bunch of made up lies anyway.

Sky Pilot's picture
Pirate Jack,

Pirate Jack,

“Of course when Jesus was resurrected, the body disappeared as well!! The tomb was empty! No body to bury! Nothing but a story! So instead of his soul, or ghost appearing to the liars.,. I mean followers, the whole god damned body left the tomb and ascended into heaven! Yeah right! Happy fucking Easter you bunch of brain dead fucks. The bunny is more believable.”

IMO you have reached the wrong conclusion.

Zombie Jesus appears to his posse in all four of the Gospels. Some go into greater detail than others.

In Matthew chapter 28 he appears to Mary Magdalene and the other Mary. He tells them to tell his posse to meet him at the mountain in Galilee. When they arrive some don’t believe it but he tells them to go forth on the Great Commission. There is nothing about zombie Jesus after that.

In March chapter 16 an angel (not Jesus) appears to Mary Magdalene, the other Mary, and Salome and tells them to go tell his posse to meet Jesus at the mountain in Galilee. After Jesus rose he then appeared to Mary Magdalene and she went to tell his posse. He then met two of the guys but they didn’t recognize him and they went to tell the other guys but they called bullshit. He then met them at dinner and gave them the Great Commission. There is nothing about zombie Jesus after that.

In Luke chapter 24 the unnamed women roadies meet two “angels” (not one like in Mark chapter 16) and they went to tell the Apostles. The women were then identified as Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary, and other women. The guys thought that they were just bullshitting. Peter then went to check out their story and found the empty tomb. Jesus met two disciples but they didn’t know who he was. Later that evening Jesus and the two guys had dinner and he vanished. Those guys then went to Jerusalem and found the Apostles and told them their story. Jesus then popped into their view. Jesus was hungry and they gave him a piece of broiled fish and some honeycomb and he ate it before them. After that they ambled on down the road to Bethany and Jesus flew away to heaven. He never did get to the mountain in Galilee.

In John the story takes two chapters.

In John chapter 20 Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb buy doesn’t see any angels. She goes to Simon Peter and Jesus’ boyfriend and they go to the tomb and enter it. They then go home. Mary Magdalen stays at the tomb crying and then she sees two angels inside the tomb. After a brief chat with them she turns and sees zombie Jesus but she thought he was the gardener. So after speaking to Jesus she goes to find his posse. Zombie Jesus shows up and shows off his wounds. He then breathes on them (did he have mouthwash?). Thomas shows up and sticks his hands in Jesus’s wounds.

In John chapter 21 zombie Jesus saw his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias (the Sea of Galilee. Tiberias was a town near the south end of the lake). Some of the Apostles had gone fishing and when they returned to shore in the morning Jesus asked them if they had any food. Once again they didn’t know Jesus from a camel. Jesus then tells them where to cast their net and they hauled in a huge catch. When they all returned to shore. Jesus had fixed the usual bread and fish for breakfast. After breakfast Jesus kept asking Peter if he loved him and it started to tick off Peter. The story then gets weird because it then talks about the Apostle whom Jesus loved (not Peter) hinting that it was that Apostle who betrayed Jesus. But none of the stories ever say who the Apostle that Jesus loved was. I think it was Judas Iscariot, his nephew or brother.

The story also says that Jesus spent forty days with his posse after his resurrection before flying off to heaven.

In Acts 1:1-3 (TPT) = “1 To Theophilus, the lover of God.
I write to you again, my dear friend, to give you further details about the life of our Lord Jesus and all the things that he did and taught.
2 Just before he ascended into heaven, he left instructions for the apostles he had chosen by the Holy Spirit. 3 After the sufferings of his cross, Jesus appeared alive many times to these same apostles over a forty-day period. Jesus proved to them with many convincing signs that he had been resurrected.
During these encounters, he taught them the truths of God’s kingdom realm”

It seems as if more details were added to the story over time because people were skeptical about why nothing was mentioned about what happened to the Jesus character in the Matthew version.

Grinseed's picture
Not surprisingly the greatest

Not surprisingly the greatest lie ever told matches the greatest fear ever held, the fear of our personal mortality.

Faiths based on resurrection and redemption make use of the fear, placating it in exchange for servitude.

Atheism goes a long way to dispensing with that fear.

Chocolate anyone?

Sheldon's picture
Well put, except no one ever

Well put, except no one ever actually heard the liars...I mean followers claim they saw an empty tomb. This was claimed many decades afterwards by unknown authors who claimed the liars....I mean followers made the claim. An uncorroborated secondhand hearsay account, decades after the fact at best, for which no objective evidence can be demonstrated, and which defies known natural laws, and lets face it in any other context outrages reason.

"The bunny is more believable."

Much more believable, as there are hidden eggs all over the place every Easter, ahem.

arakish's picture
The biggest lie ever told?

The biggest lie ever told?

The ENTIRE Bible, Qu'ran, Bhagavad Gita, along with ALL religious texts.

rmfr

Sky Pilot's picture
If the Jesus character

If the Jesus character existed and if he told people that they could gain eternal life by drinking his blood and eating his flesh then Joseph of Armithea had him for dinner.

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