From the National Online Herald
“Breaking news from across this great nation. Students of all shapes and sizes are running to the bathrooms between classes and lunch time to masturbate. Together with hand held devices and a new wave of hard core pornography, scientists say they’ve seen a 400 % increase in adolescent interference since last year.
The country is now facing a disastrous shortage of toilet paper. Scientists say that by the year 2032, there will hardly be any toilet paper left.
Sewage waste analysts have never seen spikes in the percentage of sperms in their samples like the ones they’ve seen this year. Analysts say the new wave of really hardcore porn makes male teenagers between the ages of 14 and 17 especially susceptible.
With all that jiz running into the oceans, marine biologist Carl Fox Rundy says it’s not a matter of how this human sperm will fettilize fish eggs all over the ocean - it’s a matter of when this human sperm will fertilize fish eggs all over the ocean. No detection of a human/fish hybrid has been made in recent months, but Biologists across the nation are hopeful.
Arthur Smackswell
Contributing Author”
I read this kind of smut and you know ... I just don’t know what the world’s coming to. Isn’t it stated in the Bible? Thou shalt not interfereth with thine self?
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The Overlord's plan must be working!!!
He is pleased. Long has He waited for our new fish/human hybrid masters to grasp the reigns of power away from mere mortals.
FYI. There is no single verse in the Bible that forbids masturbation. Except maybe “right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.” But never in the OT is masturbation deemed a sin. Someone was obviously thinking practically when they wrote those laws.
RAT BABY!
You are correct about masturbation passages in the bible; however, there is a sanction against "Spilling Your Seed."
"When Onan had sex with Tamar, he withdrew before his orgasm[4] and "spilled his seed [or semen] on the ground", since any child born would not legally be considered his heir. The next statement in the Bible says that Onan did evil and that God slew him." Genesis 38:9
NOW HERE IS THE FUN PART:
In the Gospel of Mary, Jesus takes Mary to the top of a mountain, pulls a woman from his thigh, copulates with the woman, withdraws early, and then demonstrates to Mary the secret teaching of not spilling one's seed. Hope you have the stomach for this one. (Teachings of Jesus that did not make it into the Bible.)
https://www.meetup.com/ProvocateursAndPeacemakers/messages/66238612/
Welcome to the Real Teachings of Jesus before the Pauline Christians took over.
@Cog,
Did not know that, what other kind of affabulations does the gospel of Mary contains?
There is all sorts of interesting shit in the Gospels that did not get voted into the cannon by the Pauline Christians. The extended story of Adam and Eve has our two heroes standing in rivers and Eve fucks up a second time. Childhood stories of Jesus has him killing his playmates. Gospel of Judas claims Jesus could not be taken by the guards without knowing about it. Jesus chose Judas to help him with the crucifixion and to fulfill prophecy. Judas did as instructed on the night of the arrest of Jesus. Justin Martyr Believed that Jesus Was Born in a Cave, Queen Helena erected a church over it (325 A. D.). Alfred Edersheim, 19th century Biblical scholar, says it is "the best authenticated of all local traditions."
They got to Bethlehem and there was no room. Joseph leaves Mary in a cave and goes looking for a Midwife. When he gets back to the cave, Jesus is already born. The midwife uses a finger to check Mary and discovers SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN. The Gospel of Mary is found in the Berlin Gnostic Codex (Papyrus Berolinensis 8502).
There is a ton of good shit in the Gospels that did not make the cut.
Woooh! Pauline Christians, not knowing how to make an entertaining story since the fourth century lol.
Actually, knowing how to censure a good story since the fourth Century. The Pauline Christians went ape shit and killed off all the other Christians. They converted their places of worship of burned them to the ground. There was a greater variety of Christian beliefs in antiquity than there is today. (Bart Erhman and Richard Carrier both say so.)
Yes I know that (Arianism, Marcionism etc...). It seems to me that the more wicked sort of people are always the more militant ones, and the ones that can gather enough forces to impose their beliefs.
The most sickening to me is that, although people always saying that they want equality, humanism, tolerance and harmony yada yada... They always choose the worst options.
That explains Christianity once it grabbed control.
Sooo... Let them swim in their own mediocrity? Because it is what Christianity is, an insult to the intellectual potentiel of Humanity, and an incitation to mediocrity.
Cognostic,
"Jesus chose Judas to help him with the crucifixion and to fulfill prophecy. Judas did as instructed on the night of the arrest of Jesus."
Have you ever considered that Jesus and Judas were brothers or that Jesus was Judas's uncle?
Have not seen or heard that anyplace - Got a reference? (Judas was the chosen disciple of Jesus is set forth as fact in the gospel of Judas.) (The Gospel of Mary has Mary as the only disciple who could understand Jesus) Every little religious sect seemed to be following someone who knew Jesus and was a chosen disciple. "Isn't that why Paul lied and called himself a disciple even though he never met Jesus?"
Cognostic,
"Have not seen or heard that anyplace - Got a reference? (Judas was the chosen disciple of Jesus is set forth as fact in the gospel of Judas.)"
Simon was one of Jesus's brothers.
Mark 6:3 (ERV) = Isn’t he just the carpenter we know—Mary’s son, the brother of James, Joses, Judas, and Simon? And don’t his sisters still live here in town?” So they had a problem accepting him.
John 6:71 (KJV) = He spake of Judas Iscariot the son of Simon: for he it was that should betray him, being one of the twelve.
Nice Catch: Betrayed by his own family! I like it.
rat spit,
Did you know that our ancestors were fish? So maybe were are reverting to what we once were.
Sooooooo.... If a person wanted to accelerate this human/fish hybrid process, do you think it would help by renting a deep sea vessel and then spending a few days out on the ocean directly "seeding" the waters?.... *scratching behind ear while diverting gaze*... Uh, just asking for a friend.
Fish-human hybrid would still be infinitely more intellectual superior then a jizz hunting theistic nut job.
"Fish-human hybrid would still be infinitely more intellectual superior then a jizz hunting theistic nut job."
Less of a pompous sermonising prig as well, probably. Why does the idea of other people enjoying sex in any form petrify some people?
I think whenever you hear a puritanical bigot denouncing anything, you can be certain they want to do it themselves, but haven't the courage.
This is another windup, clearly. Human sperm fertilising fish eggs, toilet paper running out, best of all the hilarious idea that students or teenagers masturbating is news at all, let alone breaking news.
Good on em, porn was hard to get when I was in my teens. More power to their elbow, pun intended.
@Sheldon
It’s satire, Sheldon. Take it easy big fella. You old tank.
Yes, that was clear. Hence me pointing it out. However the story does touch on real ideas, not least the absurd and pernicious religious idea that masturbating somehow angers a fictional deity.
Catholicism for example has instilled emotionally crippling guilt onto children for centuries, that many claim they can't shake off into adulthood.
Not only does this generation masturbate way more than any other - they’re hooking up at unprecedented levels.
I’ve masturbated once in the last three years. Wifey said I had an addiction which was ruining our marriage - gave me an ultimatum - either her or internet porn. I chose her.
Here's an oldie but goodie to help put everybody in the mood. Seemed appropriate for this thread. Enjoy!... *grin*...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Z-DQGqM90
I gotta throw this one in there. Safe for work. I promise.
https://youtu.be/-FrpuPLYnvY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2s0aOhkjmY
@Cog Re: Brutal breakfast
Dang, that dude has waaaay more energy in the mornings than I do. lol