Hello, I'm new here and looking forward to getting to know you all.

My story: I was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian church, went on to reject it 14 years ago when I converted to Judaism, but the fear of Hell has always been there. Now I have been on a reading binge and am seeing all religion as manmade efforts to give life meaning, help deal with the uncertainties of life, and give society order. Despite the fact that my rational mind believes all of these things are false, they are like a shadow that clouds everything.

I feel like someone who has bought an expensive toy, like a boat, and it's become a burden, but I hang onto it out of guilt. Am I too invested to change? I'm 50. Religion has been a major part of my life. Have I wasted my life?

How do I deal with the belief that I'll never see my family again after we die? That's so profound and devastating.

I find myself vacillating between Christianity because of fear, Judaism because it's at least something to believe in, and Atheism because my rational mind says religion is manmade. I feel like I'm falling apart and having some kind of breakdown. Am I strong enough to be without religion? Has anyone experienced this kind of crisis upon losing their faith? I'm terrified to try to navigate life without God.