I've been evaluating my beliefs, and as I've been looking I found the absolute travesty of moral incompetence that is the Old Testament. I didn't believe, or didn't want to believe, that something from the Bible could be so reprehensibly toxic and promote barbaric ideas of capital punishment for literally any "sin." The problem I find myself in is that, what if God is real though? Then all these horrible acts would somehow be legitimized? I don't want to think about that. I keep on running the experiment in my head, "what if God orders the genocide of literally every non-heterosexual person alive and tortures them to death?" Now if this was done by some foreign country, I'd scoff at how disgusting it is. But as soon as it's my God who's advocating for it, my mind is met with a sense of indifferent "it is what it is." Like, I completely justify it in my head. "Well, everyone is horrible anyway, right? Whatever punishment God doles out, we wholeheartedly deserve." I always thought that in other religions this idea of compliance for the negation of human rights was appalling, and yet in my own religion I let it slide. I feel insane. No, no one deserves punishment for belief in a different religion, or for being who God literally created them to be.
I'm so worried the Bible is real, and that all of this is somehow condoned by the supposedly kindest Being in all of existence. Is there some method to stop caring? Is there a way to just drop it? Otherwise, I'll somehow rationalize the suffering of others because God said it should be that way. Which is horrible.
Please don't think I'm nuts. I've only come to this realization today and am low-key freaking out over its implications that human life is completely disposable. It's completely contradictory to what I was taught, that God was loving and caring.
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