"I don't, but if I did..."

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mykcob4's picture
"I don't, but if I did..."

I don't believe in a god, but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be a christian god. I would choose a worthy god that really had power and wasn't afraid to reveal him/herself.

I don't watch porn, but if I did I would never watch soft porn. Is there anything so unsatisfying and frustrating as soft porn? The silly music, the vagueness, the nakedness that really isn't naked. How fucking stupid. My guess that if porn causes rape and sexual assault it isn't hardcore, but it is softcore.

I don't believe in conspiracies, but if I did, I think the conspiracy that I'd most likely believe in is that cable providers put you on hold for long periods of time on purpose. They just sit there having a cigarette drinking coffee and finally say "has it been 30 minutes?" and then answer the phone.

Do you have any "I don't, but if I did..." stories?
Please share.

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carolelaine's picture
I don't believe that life is

I don't believe that life is fair. If I did, we would all have everything we wanted. No one would get sick, babies wouldn't be born with birth defects and I would be sitting on a nice warm beach with a tropical drink in my hand.

Oh yea, and we would have a woman president.

algebe's picture
I don't believe in Satan, but

I don't believe in Satan, but if I did I'd assume that he was running Microshit. Everyday I waste productive hours fixing or working around maddening annoyances and disasters caused by his demons, especially those responsible for Windows 10 updates and the design of the Office suite after the 2003 version. If they do a remake of the Omen, Damian will end up running Microshit.

"Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad."

Sheldon's picture
Ah but Bill Gates is trying

Ah but Bill Gates is trying to help eradicate Malaria with the money he's made. So look at your everyday problems as funding that and it won't seem so bad.

Also why would a benevolent deity with limitless power, knowledge and therefore choice include Malaria in it's design? Sorry couldn't resist the non-sequitur. My apologies.

algebe's picture
When Bill Gates was there the

When Bill Gates was there the company was called Microsoft. It made good stuff like Windows XP and the earlier Office suites. After he left it turned into Microshit.

"a benevolent deity with limitless power, knowledge"

Bill Gates was good, but not that good.

ʝօɦռ 6IX ɮʀɛɛʐʏ's picture
Man, almost everything I use

Man, almost everything I use is Microsoft. Not sure why ppl hate getting free updates. Not sure if I ever used office 2003, but the current office made so many thing easier for me. The Skype integration, the APA format, research tools.

algebe's picture
***TOTALLY OFF TOPIC***

***TOTALLY OFF TOPIC***

@John "Not sure why ppl hate getting free updates."
They send them out without proper testing, and don't provide adequate help when the updates cause problems.

Office 2003 had a multiple document interface. One window, as many document panes as you like, one set of toolbars for everything. You could create your own commands and create icons for them. The title bar on the selected document was a different color from all the others. If you need several documents open at once, it's brilliant. The current office opens a new window, complete with ribbon, etc., for every document. You can't easily tell which one is selected. And about 30% of screen space is cluttered with redundant ribbons. But unless each window is full screen, the ribbon and quick access bar get truncated, so you can't access commands.

If you only work on one document at a time it's fine. But I always need at least two open, usually more. I've heard of people in medical institutions accidentally writing confidential information into the wrong file because it isn't obvious which one has the focus.

Nyarlathotep's picture
I won't touch a device that

I won't touch a device that uses MS Window (except to remove that bullshit). I'd call it trash, but that isn't strong enough.

Flamenca's picture
Oh yeah, and we would have a

Oh yeah, and we would have a woman president.@Lorac, my guess is that you mean just the US, but I wish we could say "of the world" to that.

I don't believe in conspiracies in general either, but if I did, I'd most likely believe Bildeberg is really ruling the destiny of nations, and politics, as we know it, is just a mirage.

I don't believe humankind is going to overcome religion any time soon, as long as children keep on being indoctrinated and schools don't teach critical thinking as a basic skill, but if we did, I'm sure that we would live in a much better world.

Aposteriori unum's picture
I don't believe in any gods,

I don't believe in any gods, but if I did they would be metal god... That is the gods of heavy metal, cause that shit is just cool.

Tin-Man's picture
Did someone say "Metal God"?.

Did someone say "Metal God"?...... How may I help you?

mickron88's picture
hahahahah...!!. what sam

hahahahah...!!. what sam harris(Aposteriori Unum) mean is "Rock Metal God" T-man. that has 7 pairs of arms that can play all the instruments all at the same time. and sings like Dave Evans.

ROCK ON \m/ (>0<) \m/

Tin-Man's picture
@ Q Re: Rock Metal God

@ Q Re: Rock Metal God

Oh, my. Whoops. My bad. Yeah, I have ZERO musical abilities. However, I CAN chew bubblegum and snap my fingers at the same time.... (well, as long as I am not walking, at least).

bigbill's picture
how are you to say there is

how are you to say there is no afterlife. You just don`t know none of us does, so quit misleading people. Tell me can you sit at a computer and think at the same time? It sure doesn`t look like it.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
*chants* Troll troll troll

*chants* Troll troll troll troll ,
troll troll troll troll

*lights torch and gets pitchfork*.

You're busted AB or whatever. Now fuck with the other children and let the adults talk.

algebe's picture
Are you a Christian again?

Are you a Christian again? What changed your mind?

Tin-Man's picture
Re: Agnostic Believer

Re: Agnostic Believer

Hey! Anybody ever see the movie "Split"? Juuuuuuuust saaaayin'... *scratching chin*

mickron88's picture
yeah, seen it already many

yeah, seen it already many times. love how James Mcavoy played the person who has the Dissociative identity disorder.
i really don't get how people can have such a behavior and cure some of illnesses like blindness. you'll relate when you see the movie. gives me the creeps!!!

Sheldon's picture
"how are you to say there is

"how are you to say there is no afterlife. You just don`t know none of us does, so quit misleading people. "

Argumentum ad ignorantiam. Do you believe (not know, but believe as this an unfalsifiable claim) there is an invisible unicorn in front of you that can't be detected in any empirical way? I know that when i die I will rot and my brain will cease to function, but at least it seems to be functioning now, which is why your attempt to reverse the burden of proof seems absurd.

Sushisnake's picture
Don't listen to him to Tin

Don't listen to Tin-man. He just wants someone to water the plants. BAD god! BAD!

Tin-Man's picture
@Sushi Re: Watering plants

@Sushi Re: Watering plants

Hey, not fair. It's not JUST the plant watering. I also really like the whole oil anointing and the brillo pad buffings. Oh! And the shrubbery. Very important to not forget the shrubbery.

Sushisnake's picture
@Tin-man Re: Shrubbery

@Tin-man Re: Shrubbery

( you KNOW what it links to, don't you?)

https://youtu.be/zIV4poUZAQo

Tin-Man's picture
@Sushi Re: Shrubbery

@Sushi Re: Shrubbery

Yep! Classic movie! LOL

Koukla's picture
I don't have kids, but if I

I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be a tough mom.
I don't believe in fantasies, but if I did I'd have a disease-free body and do one silly thing a week. Oh, and I'd have lots and lots of money.
I don't believe in religion but if I did.....I can't even finish that sentence.
I don't believe in life after death, but if I did I'd come back as myself doing it right this time.

Sky Pilot's picture
mykcob4,

mykcob4,

"I don't believe in a god, but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be a christian god. I would choose a worthy god that really had power and wasn't afraid to reveal him/herself."

I suggest that that statement is illogical for if such a worthy god did exist then you wouldn't need to believe in it because you wouldn't have the problems that you now have. Your reality would be completely different. You wouldn't have any hurts, needs, or injuries. Everything would be pure bliss, just like paradise or heaven is supposed to be.

There is no celestial deity of any kind in this solar system. So believing in one is useless. Man is the closest thing to being a god on this planet. If someone doesn't make it happen it doesn't happen, outside of natural processes.

Sushisnake's picture
I don't believe in the Loch

I don't believe in the Loch Ness monster, but I wish it were real. Wouldn't it be cool if a Plesiosaur really had made it?

I don't believe you can clone prehistoric animals from mosquitoes in amber, but if you could, I'd have one of these:

I'm on the waiting list for a chickenosaurus.

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mickron88's picture
i don't believe in religion,

i don't believe in religion, but if i did i wouldn't be an atheist.
i don't believe in faith healing, but if i did i think there wont be any doctors and there is no point studying medicine.

MCDennis's picture
I don't agree with christians

I don't agree with christians, especially fundamentalist christians. But if I were a christian and believed that my god was perfect and that the bible is the inspired word of that god then the only kind of christian I could possibly be is a fundamentalist christian who takes every word of the bible literally and obeys all 613 commandments.

Sky Pilot's picture
MCD,

MCD,

If you just obeyed all 613 commandments you would be a Jew instead of a Christian. Yeshua added about 2 dozen new mandatory commandments found in Matthew chapters 5, 6, and 7.

fishy1's picture
I don't believe in God but if

I don't believe in God but if I did I would have a whole bunch of shit to talk to him and about him !!! Like really, WTF ??? You let your own son be murdered, why again ? You couldn't have saved him and the rest of us too ?
WTF kind of black magic are you practicing ?

Just being facetious of course. Clearly there is no super natural power in the sky....

Ratburn's picture
I don't believe prayer works.

I don't believe prayer works. If I did, every single sporting event would end in a draw, as both sides generally pray to win.

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