In a Lot of Pain, Guys

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rat spit's picture
In a Lot of Pain, Guys

I just wanted to let you guys know; I might not be dropping by for a while. Over the next few weeks I’ll be undergoing some intense psychological counselling and physiological therapy.

Last night, I ... it’s hard to say this ... I put on a penis ring that was three sizes too small for me. With total disregard for life and limb I downed ten or twelve extra strength Cialis.

For the next seven hours, I was in some intense pain. I tried thinking of baseball. I watched videos of cats. At one point I even watched some ISIS videos of Middle Eastern Men having their heads hacked off. None of it worked. The erection was ... was the most devastating erection I’ve had in a while.

I finally went to the hospital where they administered a concentrated dose of snake venom into source of my pain. Within minutes I was counting my blessings and back to normal. But I may never be the same.

I’ve always prided my self on having a larger than average penis compared to the national average size of penises in my country. Now my penis has a severe bend in it.

I know you guys don’t believe in prayers; but look up at the night sky for me. If you see a shooting star - keep me in your thoughts. And to all the theists on this website - if there’s one guy right now who could use our mighty LORD’s support - it’s me.

Needless to say - “Butt Pirates 3” might never happen. I lost my University funding for the project. All of my main cast has moved on to other productions.

Best Regards,

rat spit

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Cognostic's picture
@Yep. Injury to the penis

@Yep. Injury to the penis can occur when you damage the sponge like tissue responsible for erections. The horrors I have seen come from penile pumps and other enlargement devices, like weights. Apparently there is a right way to use them, but I have never seen positive effects. In fact, the Mayo clinic has asserted that these devices do not work and recommend surgery as the only real means of enlarging a penis.

SEVEN HOURS?? You are lucky your penis did not drop off and turn gangrenous. Rings are not commonly used for more than 30 minutes. 7 hours is utterly insane. Why has the Over Lord not informed you of this?

rat spit's picture
The Over Lord has saith:

The Over Lord has saith: “Enlargen thine penis by any means neccessarieth.”

So, I’ve been know to do the odd penis stretch, here and there. It was the Evil One who planted the thought of Cialis in my mind. His lasavidiousness knows no bounds.

Honestly - I don’t know if I was doing it to end it all or just crying out for attention. Either way I must live out my days with a crooked penis.

Have you seen a lot of crooked penises in your practice, Cog? It does sound like you were or are a physician? Is there any chance I can make straight what was once crooked?

Cognostic's picture
@Ratty. I have had a lot of

@Ratty. I have had a lot of sex education and so know when to refer someone to a doctor and when the problem my be mental. Your penis may be damaged and the tissue swollen, thus causing the curve. If this is the case you should be fine soon.

There was one time when I had a bit of rough sex as well and damaged myself. I had swelling about half the size of a golf ball. It went away after 3 days and never returned. The tissue had gotten bruised. probably from being in an unnatural position. Blood collected and did not evacuate as it normally would because of the swelling.

It never hurts to have a doctor look at it. Obviously. like most problems, the earlier you go, the easier it is to treat. On the other hand, if you are into self mutilation, just continue masturbating three of four times a day without lubricant and avoid all contact with doctors. Try Praying while masturbating and see how that works for you.

rat spit's picture
Well, obviously I pray to

Well, obviously I pray to Jesus for forgiveness after masturbating. I haven’t tried praying to him while choking the chicken. But thank you!!! This may help!

Cognostic's picture
@Ratty... In all honesty,

@Ratty... In all honesty, perhaps you should follow the example of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. ” According to Epiphanius — our sole source of knowledge about the group — these Gnostic Christian believers engaged in nocturnal sex rituals that involved indiscriminate sex, coitus interruptus, and the consumption of semen and menstrual blood, all in a bizarre act of Christian worship (a sacred eucharist). Moreover, they allegedly possessed apostolic books that supported their outrageous rituals, including the “Greater Questions of Mary” (Panarion 26, 8).

THE GREATER EXPECTATIONS OF MARY
8:2 For in the so-called 'Greater Questions of Mary'—there are also 'Lesser' ones forged by them—they claim that he reveals it to her after taking her aside on the mountain, praying, producing a woman from his side, beginning to have sex with her, and then partaking of his emission, if you please, to show that 'Thus we must do, that we may live.'

8:3 And when Mary was alarmed and fell to the ground, he raised her up and said to her, 'O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?'

8:4 And they say that this is the meaning of the saying in the Gospel, 'If I have told you earthly things and ye believe not, how shall ye believe the heavenly things?' and so of, 'When ye see the Son of Man ascending up where he was before'—in other words, when you see the emission being partaken of where it came from.

8:5 And when Christ said, 'Except ye eat my flesh and drink my blood,' and the disciples were disturbed and replied, 'Who can hear this?'40 they say his saying was about the dirt.

8:6 And this is why they were disturbed and fell away; they were not entirely stable yet, they say.

8:7 And when David says, 'He shall be like a tree planted by the outgoings of water that will bring forth its fruit in due season,'41 they say he is speaking of the man's dirt. 'By the outgoing of water,' and, 'that will bring forth his fruit,' means the emission at climax. And 'Its leaf shall not fall off' means, 'We do not allow it to fall to the ground, but eat it ourselves.'

Brings new meaning to the meaning of the "LAST SUPPER.' Bon appetit!

rat spit's picture
I have seen the truth and the

I have seen the truth and the truth hast set me free. If Jesus wants me to ingest my own semen, well Christ on a Stick - that’s what I’ll do.

What does semen taste like, Cog?

Reminds me of a joke. Actually an urban myth. This is supposably true and actually happened.

Biology Professor is teaching his students about semen. He professes, “there are a lot of alkaloids in semen and therefore, if you were to ingest it, it would taste bitter.”

A young lady in the seats raises her hand.

“Yes mam,” says the Professor.

“Well. I’ve tasted semen before and it WASN’T bitter!!!”

“Well, young lady,” says the Professor, “Your taste buds aren’t in the back of your throat.”

There was an uproar of laughter and contempt. The class broke into a riot. Chairs were strewn about the room. The young woman who spoke up was struck by another class mate and later died in hospital. The Professor was expelled from teaching. He turned to the bottle and was soon homeless - living in a gutter. He befriended a rat who showed him underground tunnels throughout the city - with caches of food and gold and silver - all stolen by the little sewer children. And that rat - that rat was me; rat spit - king of the sewers.

Cognostic's picture
@Ratty: RE: "What does

@Ratty: RE: "What does semen taste like, Cog?" It all depends on what you eat the day before. (I talk to my girlfriends and so I know these things.)

rat spit's picture
Girl friends? Plural? You

Girl friends? Plural? You naughty monkey!

I’ve been told by my past relationships that my semen “tingles”. I recall this as being unique and pleasant, according to them.

I chalk this up to a diet heavy in phosphorus + I’m a prophetic spiritualist with tingly semen.

Tin-Man's picture
@Ratty

@Ratty

Ouch! Damn, dude, that sucks... *cringe*.... (Oops. Sorry about the pun.) Hey, have you tried soaking your penis in holy water? Or maybe you could find a nun who is willing to "lay hands on it". Hey, couldn't hurt to try, right? Regardless, I hope you can get everything straightened out soon... *cringe*... (Dang-it. Sorry again.)

rat spit's picture
Hmm. That gives me another

Hmm. That gives me another idea for an adult film. “Nuns with buns”. Aha! The best adult entertainment starts with a witty title!

rat spit's picture
How did this thread get so

How did this thread get so dirty so quickly? I blame Cog.

Cognostic's picture
@rat spit: It's probably all

@rat spit: It's probably all the cocaine you use. Not the dirty thread...... the tingling.

rat spit's picture
@Cog

@Cog

Indeed. Many a night filled with cocaine rich drug orgies in my parent’s basement suite. Back in the eighties of course. Nowadays, I have to snort Viagra if I want any chance of getting a stiffy.

Kidding. I was a child in the eighties; I’ve never done cocaine; and I’m a sprite 37 year old who hasn’t masturbated in three years.

Now. I know that last one sounds like bullshit. But I’ll tell you how it came about. My wife is strong headed; she considers masturbation a form of cheating; and she gave me a choice - her or porn. I chose her over porn.

I said to my self, “I’m bored of porn. I’ve seen it all.” And then I said, “what kind of loser would I be if I looked back on my life and saw a broken marriage filled with years of porn filled masturbation?”

Cognostic's picture
Ratty: What a woman!!!

Ratty: What a woman!!! We should all be so lucky! What kind of loser would you be.... well...... er........ my excuse is that I live in Asia. It's like having a sweet tooth in a room above the candy store that you own. If I ever get married, it will be to a woman that can put me in check without pissing me off. I have not found her yet and the sun is going down. I've got the broken marriage, but, I was only hitched for 6 months and the dissolution only cost $300. Best $300 I ever spent. My wife did a personality flip on me as soon as the ring went on her finger. I was in my Master's program when we got hitched. "Catholic Church." Yea, I had to meet with the preacher and agree to raise any kids Catholic. That was way back when. So the woman quits her job and literally tells me, "I'm a Seniora now. I don't have to work." Okay, that was not the worst. She just started bitching at everything. Then, I caught her with cocaine in her purse just minutes after crossing the Mexican border into America. I shit you not. I could have ended up in a Mexican prison for who the fuck knows how long. Not making the story any longer, though I could if I had to, I told her that the marriage was not working and I wanted her out. She sued me for camping equipment, she said was her $300. The phone call with the attorney what hilarious. "Your wife is suing you for $300. " "Really? Would you like me to bring it to you now?" She actually laughed. Anyway, here I am, broken marriage, years of porn, and a complete loser. WHAT A FUCKING LIFE I HAVE HAD THOUGH. OH, HEY... BY THE WAY,,, I WAS OFFERED A JOB IN THAILAND TODAY. TRUE! If I did not have 6 more months to go on my contract here, I would have packed my bags and left. I plan on moving to Thailand, Viet Nam, or the Middle East next year. It's easy without a wife to drag around. But then, like I said, I have not found the one I want to spend my life with yet. Cheers.

rat spit's picture
“The unexamined life is not

“The unexamined life is not worth living, Cog” - Sir Isaac Newton.

Examine your porn addiction.

Examine your Asian woman sex addiction.

Examine your hard use of illicit party drugs.

Examine your penis for signs of herpes.

Cuz it sounds like you’re living the bachelors life. Sorry about the broken marriage tho.

Me. If I were single, I’d be living under a bridge in a tent; living off the dole; getting wasted on bourbon night after night; smoking cigarettes until my lungs gave way.

But - marriage? It’s a slow decent into mediocrity - a steady job - a house to pay off - chores (fuck me with all the chores) - cleaning the house - changing the sheets (WHAT THE FUCK FOR?).

Tin-Man's picture
@Ratty Re: "...changing the

@Ratty Re: "...changing the sheets (WHAT THE FUCK FOR?)."

Dude! What are you talking about? Clean Sheets Days are the BEST! Totally gives the penis a chance to soil them again! They keep the penis HAPPY! It's no real fun soiling dirty sheets. You should rejoice in Clean Sheet Day!

rat spit's picture
@Tin-Man

@Tin-Man

I dunno, man. I’m not even convinced that showering on a daily basis should be a fundamental basic necessity of universal hygiene. Move me somewhere where they don’t shower every day, like France, or somewhere.

And brushing your teeth twice a day!!!??? Who the fuck invented that? Just a gimmick by Colgate and Crest to get our money. Fucking bull shit that. What about every century prior to ours and the one before that? No one gave a damn about hygiene then!

And have you noticed? The so called tooth “paste” is getting runnier and runnier. I swear to the Evil One - they’re watering that shit down to cut margins!!! It’s a fucking conspiracy by the American Dental Association! Same with showering and washing your dick! A pack of lies by the white man!

Cognostic's picture
RATTY:

RATTY:
Well...., I'm not far from that. I travel the world, live in rented apartments, enjoy my porn addiction, love my Asian women sex addiction, don't use any drugs though I have tried them all, and have safe sex when I am not with a partner that I know well. The broken marriage was the best possible decision I could have made and I have never looked back with any kind of regret at all.

Because I don't get wasted on bourbon and spend no time at all smoking, I spend a lot of time writing. I will probably write until my fingers give way.

We are in complete agreement about marriage being a slow decent into mediocrity. I am a psychotherapist and have spent my life doing couples therapy and family therapy. (SO I AM JADED) I have seen more insane marriages that do not work and are falling apart than those that work. To make a marriage work, it has to be work. That does not mean it has to be work you do not enjoy., I love my job at the university and I spend tons of hours here. Marriage has to be the same way for the people involved. Not only do they need to get along well but they need to enjoy the work that makes a marriage work.

I did the house thing, and the bills, and the chores around the house, a new water heater, repair the roof, get the exterminators out for the mice, rebuild the sagging deck, clear the forest 20 feet from the home and all the other bullshit. Owning a house is another full time job. Again, if you love the job, then it is for you. I may never own a home again.

WHAT THE FUCK FOR? You do it because you love it. You do it because that is who you are. You do it because you identify with that lifestyle. You do it because you are a good at it, you are a good father, husband, provider, neighbor, and friend. You do it so that when you are sick, lonely, or tired you have a place to go where people care about you. And if you are not having fun with it any longer. it is only because you are not doing it right any more. Fun is what you bring to your life, not what life brings to you. It is never about what you do, anyone can pay a bill, fold sheets, or clean the house. It's all about "HOW YOU DO IT."

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA AT ALL HOW AMAZING IT IS THAT YOU HAVE A HOUSE TO CLEAN, SHEETS TO FOLD, OR CHORES TO DO. ARE YOU MISSING HOW AMAZINGLY LUCKY YOUR LIFE IS?

rat spit's picture
Yes. Yes. Don’t make me blush

Yes. Yes. Don’t make me blush. I am grateful for being with my soul mate.

By and by. My relationship is very, very co-dependent. We literally need each other to live. Do you find that this is a good or bad component to a marriage? I would assume that being with someone because you love them, etc. Is all good - but if you aren’t dependent on them - what is to stop you from walking away when shit gets fuzzy, Am I right?

Cognostic's picture
@Ratty: Anyone can walk away

@Ratty: Anyone can walk away at any time, That is what makes the work and the commitment so fucking amazing. Anyone can walk away and people do it every day. I suppose mutual dependence can be as much a good thing as a bad thing. Dependence can sometimes make us feel trapped. But if we are both vested in a goal and mutually dependent on achieving that goal, of course dependence is necessary. You must work together as a team. That's just good common sense.

rat spit's picture
Indeed. My friend is

Indeed. I have a friend who is unrelenting with his wife over the right to enjoy an alcoholic beverage from time to time. Culturally, she questions him as to why he would even want to drink. And as another example of a strong willed woman, my friend is unable to argue with her. Ie. He cannot have a drink or two when he wants it.

Contrary to my scenario, this man could walk away if he wants. He doesn’t need her money, - so he is free to follow his wishes.

This implies to me - that a deeper codependent relationship is especially useful in keeping relationships together.

We have many men and women who are financially secure. This seems to be the only breaking point when the question is “should I leave him or not?”

Now my own wife has asked her self this question a few times. “The man masturbated compulsively. Should I leave him or not”.

“The man is an alcoholic. Should I leave him or not?”

The question has never been about money - for we could not afford our dwelling without our combined income. The question for her has always been about principles. And for me, I do not live by principle - but I will acquiesce to a lovely woman who I care about deeply - on the basis of principle.

And the fundament of “codependency” has always kept us together. Without me she has no home, her life is pointless, and she may take her life - as she has shown in her past.

Without her - I slip into the schizophrenic sub-type with affordable housing - no purpose and no reason to live - including an ever present liking for burbuon and Tennessee tabbacoo.

A subliminal life for me and a consequential death for her. I cannot live with the guilt - and so the marriage remains in its steady “Cold War” type of station.

EDIT: We do love each other and care deeply for one another. The threat of mutual destruction just seems to be a good “stopper” on any inclination to leave when things get ugly.

Cognostic's picture
@RATTY: If it works for you,

@RATTY: If it works for you, it works. No one else on the planet gets to live your life. If you are content and the relationship is not abusive, well, "Fuck anyone who passes judgment."

Asclepius 's picture
Best of luck in life bro. I

Best of luck in life bro. I hope things get better. And keep in mind that no penis is perfect.

rat spit's picture
The Buddha had a perfect, if

The Buddha had a perfect, if not near perfect, penis. He had the kind of penis even a straight guy would get a little interested in.

Grinseed's picture
On the topic of the penis, I

On the topic of the penis, I offer this old, old poem, The Old Man's Lament, (and no I don't mean the one with the tricycle who shouts cause this is going to happen to every poor bloke out there, in time.)

My days of lust are over,
My torch of youth is out
What use to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout

In younger days, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now its just a full time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it once behaved
As every morning it would stand
And watch me as I shaved

Now as old age overtakes me,
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its weary head
And watch me clean my shoes.

Take it easy, ratty, no need to hasten things. Time withers all.

Tin-Man's picture
@Grinseed

@Grinseed

You , my man, are a scholar and a poet.

chimp3's picture
@rat spit: From a 60 year old

@rat spit: From a 60 year old. Forget about your dick There will be times when it will impress you (and others) , there will be times when it disappoints you (and others). Don't risk life and "limb". Use your head, Man, use your head!

Earth's picture
All will heal oh ratty one.

All will heal oh ratty one. It is a muscle that needs TLC.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_e3PVBx0N0

Jim Morrison - Lament (The poem)
Lament
Lament for my cock
Sore and crucified
I seek to know you
Aquiring soulful wisdom
You can open walls of mystery
Stripshow

How to acquire death in the morning show
TV death which the child absorbs
Death-well mystery which makes me write
Slow train, the death of my cock gives life
Forgive the poor old people who gave us entry
Taught us god in the child's prayer in the night

Guitar player
Ancient wise satyr
Sing your ode to my cock

Caress it's lament
Stiffen and guide us, we frozen
Lost cells
The knowledge of cancer
To speak to the heart
And give the great gift
Words, Power, Trance

This stable friend and the beast of his zoo
Wild haired chicks
Women flowering in their summit
Monsters of skin
Each color connects
to create the boat
which rocks the race
Could any hell be more horrible
than now and real?

I pressed her thigh and death smiled

Death, old friend
Death and my cock are the world
I can forgive my injuries in the name of
Wisdom, Luxury, Romance

Sentence upon sentence
Words are healing lament
For the death of my cock's spirit
Has no meaning in the soft fire
Words got me the wound and will get me well
If you believe it

All join now and lament for the death of my cock
A tongue of knowledge in the feathered night
Boys get crazy in the head and suffer
I sacrifice my cock on the alter of silence

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rat spit's picture
Wow. Jim Morrison was quite

Wow. Jim Morrison was quite absorbed by his cock. More than even I. What a lovely piece. I too will lament over my cock.

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