LOL. I had never heard of this church (it is in the metropolitan area where I live). I checked it out, it is a strip-mall church; classic!

Allen 1:69 of the unknown gospels:

"And so it was that the Lord thy Daddy did send out into the world His hands of judgement to caress the behinds of the unbelievers, that He would know them and they Him,
for Daddy had made the behind the seat of knowledge understanding.
But when Daddy had sufficiently known the behinds of the unbelievers and found that their bums were hard and firm in their disbelief, and that they resisted His loving caress, and did tense up at His touch, and were unyielding in their resistance of His advances,
He judged them naughty and in need of a good spanking."

And that's why it's okay for my daddy or any of his earthly representatives to touch your dirty bits.

Hmmm... I have the same Thompson Chain-Reference (with fancy red faux leather cover) but it doesn't contain those passages. It's a conspiracy.

Hahaha, that's perfect!