I am new here and ask for a little patience with my post as I am not the best at keeping things short. I was raised as a christian, but not always going to church and not that strict either. I am a middle aged single man. I have struggled for years with this god concept. I have a sibling who professes to be a christian, but has no compassion or empathy, especially for me. I have many issues I have to deal with. I have tourettes syndrome and high anxiety. My mother died from cancer 8 years ago and this was my turning point, as all I heard were,pray for her, curse the devil, ask for spiritual healing. I instead cursed god and ask why she would be allowed to suffer such a horrible death, from 150 to 70 pounds and she lost her mind when it hit her brain. Now my father is ill and I am taking care of him after two months of hospital neglect. My friend is a devout christian who claims to have died twice and have gone to heaven and hell. She is a good person, but to me very misguided in her magical thinking. This is not a pity party for me, just some background and I am sorry for the length of this post.
I can never remember a time in my life when there was peace or tranquility. I did the prayer and belief when I was young, but now that I am older I do waver and still find time to curse god, but stop and think about how stupid it is. I actually can feel more calm thinking that there is nothing there, but people and things said to me confuse me. People tell me I am a kind caring person, so they assume I am a christian, as if a non-believer could not be any of those things.
I will close now and just say that I have a moral compass, I know right from wrong. I am an angry person and my low quality of life. But I still cannot believe that some loving cloud man created all of this, only to sit idly by and blame this devil when he is supposed to be all knowing and all powerful. I basically need to be reconditioned so I can think for myself without guilt,shame or the threat of some hell I have had pounded into my brain. Glad to be here and hope I can learn from logical people. Thank you!
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Welcome to the forum, and you are at the right place for most questions and moral support.
You are not alone in that position, when the problem of evil/reality, really hits the fan and all the apologetics are exposed as what they are, lame excuses.
The best explanation about hell for "Christians at the door", I think comes from 43alley:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wgj65-EfmoA
"I basically need to be reconditioned so I can think for myself without guilt,shame or the threat of some hell I have had pounded into my brain."
Christianity is an evil worshiping cult and you should not feel guilty or anything about not being part of that totalitarian belief system.
Here is how sane people see Christianity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KGiHirSATM
you shouldn't let anyone dictate who you are or what you believe, bowl. That is an individual choice each of us make. As to the toxic environment in which you currently find yourself, there are no easy answers. But answers are to be found. It just takes time and putting in the hours. I know that doesn't help much now, but happiness can be found
Mmmm, struggling, I like all of my prey that way.
Oops, forget that part! What I meant to say was welcome to the forum.