Time for some fun!!!

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Up To My Neck's picture
Time for some fun!!!

I have read before about the symbol of Christianity being the cross, and how easily it has become an item you literally see all the time! People decorate with it, wear it on jewelry, tattoos, pictures, etc.. etc.. . So I was thinking, what if Jesus had been killed in other ways than the crucifix? If they had hung him, would a noose be worn on a gold chain? So let’s start there! What other ways could he have been killed so that we weren’t left with this convenient symbol to merchandise.... err I mean promote.. err fuck it! Good thing they didn’t club him to death!

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Cognostic's picture
If he had been killed on the

If he had been killed on the rack we would all be eating little gummy Jesuses.

If he had been tied to a stake and burned to death, little baked Jesus cookies would be a whole lot more popular.

If he had been drawn and quartered, the idiots in the Philippines who flagellate and then crucify themselves would not be able to do the same thing year after year.

If Constantine had dreamed of a Big Yellow Creator Banana instead of a Cross, Christians would be wearing bananas around their necks. The Cross is a 4th Century symbol.

Simon Moon's picture
The late, great Bill Hicks,

The late, great Bill Hicks, talking about crosses starting at about 1:55.


Randomhero1982's picture
What if they force fed him

What if they force fed him bad food and contaminated water so that he died of dysentery...

I'll leave the symbol to your imagination lol

algebe's picture
Crucifixion was an excellent

Crucifixion was an excellent choice. It's public, spectacular, and of course it gets you outside in the fresh air. Above all it's not necessarily fatal, so if you're going to stage a resurrection it's the only choice. I wonder what the average Xtian thinks Jesus actually died of.

If Jesus had been roasted on a gridiron like St Lawrence ("Turn me over, I'm done on this side"), Churches would have bbqs instead of altars, and worshipers would be given little pieces of roast meat with their wine instead of crumby crackers.

Tin-Man's picture
Imagine if had been covered

Imagine if had been covered in honey, given a few minor cuts to have blood on him, and then tied down in the middle of the desert to be eaten alive by insects and various other critters. Would people be wearing little honeybee pendants, or maybe little honey jar emblems? Would all the other insects get their fair share of credit? How much more expensive would honey be to buy today? Would the non-Christians even be allowed to buy honey? So many questions...

boomer47's picture
First heard that idea in a

First heard that idea in a bit by Lenny Bruce. He used the example of the electric chair.

IF jesu actually did half of the things he is claimed to have done, he would have been stoned to death for blasphemy. That is one reason it's obvious the New Testament is myth. Clearly not written by a Jew , or anyone who understood Mosaic law.

------Then we'd have stones of various shapes and sizes (some with blood and gore on them)

chimp3's picture
Longitudinal impalement. That

Longitudinal impalement. That would have been an interesting twist.

CyberLN's picture
All hail Saint Vlad the

All hail Saint Vlad the Impaler!

Cognostic's picture
@chimp3: Instead of crosses

@chimp3: Instead of crosses around their necks, everyone who was a Christian would be wearing earrings. (THINK ABOUT IT!)

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
They should have waterboarded

They should have waterboarded then drowned him proper, then we could have used a fish as the symbol......oh......wait.......

Cognostic's picture
@0P - If he was poisoned

@0P - If he was poisoned by an asp as Cleopatra was, there would be a lot more Churches handling snakes, and a whole lot fewer pastors.

boomer47's picture
Just had a thought.

Just had a thought.

When I was a chronically Catholic schoolboy, a mate and I had a serious discussion about the resurrection. I opined that it would have been really fantastic if Jesus had ben cremated instead of being put in a tomb . My mate agreed--- Let's see Thomas Didymus and any other doubters deal with THAT! (we were both very devout, not to mention ignorant and naive)

Cognostic's picture
@ALL: If, one day, Jesus

@ALL: If, one day, Jesus grabbed a bag of coconuts, and walked across the water to the North Sentinel Islands, THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! Would the good Christians be wearing coconuts around their necks or arrows?

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