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silasmotionless's picture

I'm pretty new to this site and I've read a lot of forums that sorta align with me or my situation. This is my first forum post so bare with me :)

My situation is a family issue more than a social issue.

Okay if you read my profile, I explain a little bit of my religious background from child to now, me being 17 years old now. But I'll give you sort of a run down. I've always questioned Religion. Ever since I could comprehend anything, I have always questioned it. I never truly put my thoughts into perspective because I was just a kid that basically believed that everyone should live the way they wanted to. That's basically how I thought for years.

I wasn't really given a choice on religious matters. I was "expected" to follow what the rest of the family follows. I was "expected" to meet standards of whatever Religion that was being crammed down my throat, in that case Christianity. I wasn't really allowed to question it out loud. I was expected to keep my mouth shut and just go with it. I was raised by "the book". That's the best way to put it. The only person who didn't force anything on me was my mother. That's how my childhood went.

Now into the recent years, I would say about the age of 13, I started to pretend to be Christian. Inside, I already knew I wasn't. I could feel that Religion just wasn't for me. There were too many questions, not enough answers. I saw too much hate, too much violence. Something that was supposed to promote love instead promoted the opposite. From what I've seen, it was all just too much for me.

But I was terrified of the resentment, the judgement and the hatred I would get. So for awhile, I pretended to be something I was surely not and inside it was tearing me apart. I would spend countless hours just trying to find anything, anything that would soothe the pain I felt inside. In some way, I was wishing for a god. I was wishing for someone to help me. But of course, that never happened.

Fast forward to age 15, I ultimately stopped caring. I stopped caring about what people would think, I stopped caring about what my family would think because I opened my eyes and realized that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if my views or different..or it shouldn't matter. I was sick and tired of being this fake person. I wanted to be me.

So I finally came out and said it during a lecture from my sister. My exact words were

"No body is gonna f*cking listen to me so I'm gonna save my breath for myself and not the clouds".

From that day and on, my life has been hell.

I'm not the typical person to listen to other's opinions about me anymore. Like I said before, I stopped caring.

But when your own family is looking at you as if your the antichrist, talking about you behind your back. Calling you Satanic and saying your too dark. Giving you constant lectures on how you should live your life. Hostile arguments for stupid reasons. Just being treated as if your not welcomed into the family you were born into.

It hurts. It hurts me every single day of my life. The people that are supposed to shelter you, care for you, protect you, love you are the ones causing you the most pain. The worst pain you could ever feel.

They look at me..and all I see is disgusts.

Now being 17 years old, nothing has changed. I'm still treated as if I'm a pariah.

And now its just like...I feel so much hate towards them. Not including my mother. She has supported me through everything. But the rest are just...too much. They point out all my sins and try to "save me" yet they sin almost every day. But Yet I'm the person in the wrong. My siblings have done so much more wrong than I have, trust me they have and yet...I'm treated as if I'm the worst.

And I hate them for it. I hate all of them for it and I hate myself for hating them.

So I have come to a conclusion that I need some help. Possible answers.

How can I get through something like this? Am I wrong for feeling hatred towards my own family? Or is it okay to feel some resentment towards them.

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Johnathan Graham's picture
Hi, I'm sorry for the

Hi, I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through. The only real help I can give is just to wait it out till' you're 18. Once you're 18 you'll an adult and able to live on your own, void of other people's(Your families) judging fuckery. Myself, I have never had a problem with it, people who know me view me as an intellectual on the topic and don't even bother trying to debate me, because where I'm from most people don't even read the damn book. So, they don't even try, but I would say try to help have your parents meet you at a mid way. Show them it's not resent against god, etc. But, the only problem is your parents sound like they don't really tolerate shit, and are so far up their asses. So waiting it out, indulge in things you enjoy to help the time fly by. It'll be over before you know it.

Though, hating your parents is all just how you feel. I hate my parents at times(Though what teen doesn't?) for some of the idiotic bullshit. But, I then look at myself and some of the dumb shit I do as a teen. I can't say you hate them or not, Idk if you will in the future considering I haven't been an adult and experienced this.

I wish the best of luck to you! This forum can be a great outlet to help you get through this time where you're still reliant on your parents. Have a great day, you godless heathen!( :

CyberLN's picture
I hear you. Perhaps what you

I hear you. Perhaps what you are feeling is anger more than hatred. And anger is okay. You'll get thru that. They lash out and say/do these mean things, not because of you, but because of them. Once you get finished being really angry, you'll be able to see that they are the ones who have the problem, not you.
Right now you may feel like their victim. Hug yourself, tell yourself you are okay. Do it 537 times a day :) You WILL transition from being their victim into being a survivor of it. I'm gunna ask you to trust me on that.
Now, go put your headphones on and listen to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive".
You have all of us here. We support you. We think you are okay. Our ears are available. And we can send cyber hugs to you.

Travis Hedglin's picture
There is no magical panacea

There is no magical panacea that will dull what they have done to you, for the problem isn't really you, your anger and frustration are normal reactions to a terrible and unfair situation. Your anger is justified. You did not become the way you are by choice, but by being honest with yourself, which is part of the reason they have such a big problem with you. You live in a society where MOST people are not really honest with anyone, even themselves, and it causes them to see you as an indictment against them. They honestly know that they are not good or honest, and instead of owning that for themselves, they see you as everything wrong with them. They focus on everything they consider to be wrong in everyone else, so they don't have to deal with what they actually know is wrong in themselves.

I now, fortunately, bring you good news: You are not alone.

You are not the only person experiencing persecution because of your lack of belief. Atheists are everywhere, hiding in plain sight in many cases, afraid to be true in a society that values deceit. Thankfully, people such as yourself are standing up and changing that society, and that will tip the scales. When enough of us that value honesty stand up and force a change, this society will learn acceptance or crumble under its own doctrinal obesity. We are your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and lovers. We will not be denied. We can not be denied.

My name is Travis Hedglin, and if you know me, than you know that I am an atheist. They will never force me to hide, or make me lie. They will never stop me from celebrating my atheism. Their gods don't exist, your prayers and scriptures mean nothing to me. Think at me all they like, I am an atheist. In the end, while they try to change me, they will only change themselves. You are not alone, and you are not powerless. You are a sister and a daughter, you may become a mother and a wife, your mere existence will change the world of those around you. You can not be denied, and you are not alone. You have the power to change your world, and you already are, and you have done more for this world than the thousands of gods invented by humanity.

You are not alone, you are not powerless, and never listen to anyone who says otherwise.

silasmotionless's picture
I honestly didn't think I

I honestly didn't think I would get helpful responses because its just me to go in with low expectations but...realize that your words are truly helpful to me. Things are just..so hectic and sometimes I just think I'm not going to make it. But I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone :) So thank you

Travis Hedglin's picture
You can make it. I had anger

You can make it. I had anger and resentment too, then I realized that my family were some of the best comedy possible. Their arguments were circular, their complaints absurd, and their practices were really little different from all the other groups that they disparage. The views of most religious people are so insane that you can't really tell if they really believe it, or are making a sarcastic criticism of them. The most batshit insane things ever said was spoken by idiots in defense of their faith. Religion is a gold mine of humor, with a bonus of pissing those people off when you simply laugh at them.

Capt.Bobfm's picture
We are all with you.

We are all with you.
Feeling hate is a temporary condition. It will go away, but the resentment towards you from your family will not.
Their reaction to your admission to being an atheist stems from the fact that attacking someone's belief system is the fastest way to make enemies.
I'm not saying that you attacked their belief system, but that is the way they perceive it.
Once again, you are not at fault, they are.
Don't think that you are alone in this situation. Lots of kids are in the same place that you are right now.
It isn't easy and of course nobody asked for it, but you can get thru it and come out as a much better person.
Keep up the good work and come to us for support if you can't find any elsewhere.
Check if there is an atheist organization in your local aria. Perhaps some folks in your home town could help.

Michael J. Vecore's picture
I would tell you a lot of

I would tell you a lot of things. Be glad that you think the way you do now, because it took a lot of us a lot longer to think the way you do. Though, I don't envy your position. I can't imagine how rough my life would have been growing up if I hadn't been the good little Christian.

When I finally came out of it - age 26 - I was not received with much love. And now it's complicated and sad. But I found comfort in some things. Like the below link. It's a good listen.


I would also encourage you to see a counselor of some sort. NOT a Christian one. A secular one by all means. They can be expensive, but if your family can afford it, it might be worth it. Hell, they might even love the idea - seeing as how they think you need help. But, if you find a good counselor, it can become a sanctuary of safety where you can be yourself and say whatever you want.

Otherwise, frequent this forum. A little online solitude doesn't hurt.

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
I lived in a similar

I lived in a similar situation and I had to fake my atheism when I was a kid, mainly because I was always put down to never ask some questions which to me made no sens.

The trick I found is to hide in knowledge and accept the fact that most people are ignorant and they like to keep being ignorant.

Once you understand that 70% of the population is just dumb then you will start to feel better when you disagree with everybody you meet.
It just keeps confirming this statistical approximation.

An other thing you should consider is to be smarter then them and use their religion against them.
Christianity has many loop holes, like "love everybody like yourself", which you could use to force some people to be friendly with you.

mysticrose's picture
Thanks for sharing story.

Thanks for sharing story. Just don't mind them and leave the life that you want. You're not doing anything bad and that's the most important.

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