I'm pretty new to this site and I've read a lot of forums that sorta align with me or my situation. This is my first forum post so bare with me :)
My situation is a family issue more than a social issue.
Okay if you read my profile, I explain a little bit of my religious background from child to now, me being 17 years old now. But I'll give you sort of a run down. I've always questioned Religion. Ever since I could comprehend anything, I have always questioned it. I never truly put my thoughts into perspective because I was just a kid that basically believed that everyone should live the way they wanted to. That's basically how I thought for years.
I wasn't really given a choice on religious matters. I was "expected" to follow what the rest of the family follows. I was "expected" to meet standards of whatever Religion that was being crammed down my throat, in that case Christianity. I wasn't really allowed to question it out loud. I was expected to keep my mouth shut and just go with it. I was raised by "the book". That's the best way to put it. The only person who didn't force anything on me was my mother. That's how my childhood went.
Now into the recent years, I would say about the age of 13, I started to pretend to be Christian. Inside, I already knew I wasn't. I could feel that Religion just wasn't for me. There were too many questions, not enough answers. I saw too much hate, too much violence. Something that was supposed to promote love instead promoted the opposite. From what I've seen, it was all just too much for me.
But I was terrified of the resentment, the judgement and the hatred I would get. So for awhile, I pretended to be something I was surely not and inside it was tearing me apart. I would spend countless hours just trying to find anything, anything that would soothe the pain I felt inside. In some way, I was wishing for a god. I was wishing for someone to help me. But of course, that never happened.
Fast forward to age 15, I ultimately stopped caring. I stopped caring about what people would think, I stopped caring about what my family would think because I opened my eyes and realized that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if my views or different..or it shouldn't matter. I was sick and tired of being this fake person. I wanted to be me.
So I finally came out and said it during a lecture from my sister. My exact words were
"No body is gonna f*cking listen to me so I'm gonna save my breath for myself and not the clouds".
From that day and on, my life has been hell.
I'm not the typical person to listen to other's opinions about me anymore. Like I said before, I stopped caring.
But when your own family is looking at you as if your the antichrist, talking about you behind your back. Calling you Satanic and saying your too dark. Giving you constant lectures on how you should live your life. Hostile arguments for stupid reasons. Just being treated as if your not welcomed into the family you were born into.
It hurts. It hurts me every single day of my life. The people that are supposed to shelter you, care for you, protect you, love you are the ones causing you the most pain. The worst pain you could ever feel.
They look at me..and all I see is disgusts.
Now being 17 years old, nothing has changed. I'm still treated as if I'm a pariah.
And now its just like...I feel so much hate towards them. Not including my mother. She has supported me through everything. But the rest are just...too much. They point out all my sins and try to "save me" yet they sin almost every day. But Yet I'm the person in the wrong. My siblings have done so much more wrong than I have, trust me they have and yet...I'm treated as if I'm the worst.
And I hate them for it. I hate all of them for it and I hate myself for hating them.
So I have come to a conclusion that I need some help. Possible answers.
How can I get through something like this? Am I wrong for feeling hatred towards my own family? Or is it okay to feel some resentment towards them.
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