After many years as a devout Christian, I have come to a place where doubt has become my best friend. The moral values I learned as a child were pounded into me at the Catholic School I attended from Grade 1 through 8. What the nuns and priests didn't realize was that all their moral preaching fell mostly on the deaf ears of indifference. No one I knew ever applied any of the religious teachings the church tried so hard to instill in us.

It wasn't until I turned 20 that the bible started attracting my attention. I have read that book from cover to cover several times over. I was surprised that I knew more about the scriptures, than many Christians I encountered. Oh they knew most of the more popular quotes, but there was much they were missing in their knowledge and understanding of what is..and what isn't...in the bible.

I started attending church; not the Catholic church, but the Presbyterians. From there I went to more fundamentalist groups. I was in a search for a way to avoid committing sin. I had many days of feeling guilt for the lustful thoughts I had, and subsequent masturbation. I didn't feel worthy of being called a Christian. Christianity, and religion in general was in conflict with my Homosexuality. I had many hours and days of guilt, and shame. I found one day that if some one can shame you, they can control you. That was what I discovered happened to me. I was being used as a source of income, but never ever allowed to become a full member of the church I attended (The Altanta Church of Christ (Maranantha Version)). After they baptized my wife ( I was married to a real woman), they lost interest in me. One day I went to bible study with my wife. The leader asked me "Why do you keep coming around here?" He wasn't very nice about it.

I drifted away from that group over a period of weeks. At some point, I stopped going to church. I got phone calls asking me where I was on Sunday. I simply told them I was sick. I just didn't mention that I was sick of them. I had a serious crisis on my hands. I wanted to be saved, and baptized, and a member of what I considered a real and honest church. I wanted to battle my Homosexuality with religion. The reason they gave me for not allowing me to become a member of their church was "You smoke, and that is a sin. You need to repent before we can baptize you. It says repent and be baptized in the bible....yaddayaddayadda

What I saw, were full members of their church who did smoke. I caught on to what the heart of the matter really was. They didn't want me as a member because of my Homosexuality. There was the bare truth whether they wanted to say it or not. I felt as if I were condemned no matter what I did, how hard I prayed, how much money I gave...I was lost, and would burn in hell forever. I left that church, and all desire to ever join a church again.

To go from belief to non-belief is a long treacherous road. Doubts would dig into my mind, and refuse to go away. Faith would claw at me, tearing my doubts to shreds. Doubts would drown the faith, and I would feel empty. I felt as Martin Luther did when he nailed his confession to the door of the cathedral. In his words "I regret ever having been born a Catholic." I knew just what he meant. Once indoctrinated, it's mighty tough to get out from under it. Until one day...

I heard about a Television series on PBS called Testament. I was mighty intrigued by it. Testament showed me that the tales generated by religion were just that; a tale, a story about something that happened, but was made into a full length story. For example, the Egyptians were very through about keeping records of their history. No where in any of the recorded history of ancient Egypt is there any mention of thousands of slaves being freed by Moses, and all the plagues that came to Egypt. None of it happened.

My own theory about this is that the Hebrews saw great civilizations all around them. The Egyptians, the Greeks, and other lesser societies. They flourished, were wealthy, and had a lot of power. The Hebrews were a wandering tribe of nomads, that frequently raided towns they came to. They were nothing more than barbarians. After they became civilized, they wrote about their time in the desert, but with a twist. They turned the murderous barbarians their ancestors were, into heroes by way of their religion. How handy to have a god on your side after raping, pillaging, looting, taking people as slaves...etc.

Many more books, and documentaries later, my doubts became less hard to bear, and more a welcome refreshment from the oppression of religion.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Lawrence F. Edder