First of all, my sincere apologies to COGNOSTIC. I reacted too harshly on his last reply on my topic of "I feel suicidal". I was severely critical against his response that there's not an answer to everything and that bring a change is not that hard, it requires just a will. I feel very bad for writing in such a harsh way, hope everything's cool now.
After 2 days of thinking about his response, I just realized something. It was on the 27th of July that I last posted a topic on King David. In the search of finding an answer for 2-3 weeks, I became super exhausted that I went to the psychiatrist the next day. He didn't help much, just said that I should continue taking medicines and that he "feels" that I'm pretty good now.
On that day, I read a book, "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and fell in love with it. I realized that it's possible to ignore things which are useless in your life or are no longer relevant. From that day, 28th July, the useless session with psychiatrist and the discovery of such a life-changing book, I went on a streak of zero fucks given about every religious thought or question I had. I swear, the time after it until the nightmares episode of October, I was in the best state of my mental health. I felt like I could easily live my life free from all kinds of religious anxiety.
My main way of not giving a fuck was to just say, I'm an atheist, does it matter now? Besides, it's all fake, so why should I give a fuck? Then I'd distract myself and indulge in other activities. It seemed like an impossible success in getting rid of asshole david from my brain. I still don't know how I managed to get rid of that bullshit but I did somehow.
Today, I was boiling milk for myself and since it's winter, it takes around 15-20 minutes to boil milk on small fire here. I used that 15-20 minutes to walk inside the kitchen, pondering upon what Cognostic had said to me and why did I react like a fucked up person as if he had been bit by a fucking dog. Yes, I am not ashamed of admitting that I really reacted badly.
I also thought about the dreams incidence. How I was able to initially ignore all 3 nightmares until I was forced to have a religious discussion with my mom to calm her the fuck down because she was going nuts. In that discussion, I unknowingly shared my dreams even though it wasn't required and since then, the last nightmare of water on arm became stuck in my mind.
What clicked in my mind was this:
BEFORE SHARING OR THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE DREAM
1) I was able to ignore them
2) I did not give too much fucks about what happened and why it happened
3) I did not think too much about the details of the dream and what was going on in it
4) I had very little anxiety which I was able to get rid off
5) Life was under-control and suicidal thoughts didn't even exist
AFTER SHARING THE DREAMS (yes, all 3 dreams were shared)
1) Mom's reaction on the last one caused me serious issues
2) I became suicidal
3) I began doubting myself
4) I started thinking what if this dream means god is true. It was a 24/7 conflict between the evidence I had that could prove god wrong and the crazy nightmare I had, backed up with the reaction of mom. This was a vicious fighting cycle with no end.
5) I began thinking TOO MUCH and, mind you, attempted to FIND AN ANSWER TO EVERYTHING:
-why did I see this dream
-how can i prove this dream wrong
-what happened inside the dream
-why can't i fucking remember this dream anymore, most of it is faded
-did i even share the right version with mom? (I'm 100% sure that I said some things while sharing that didn't exist in the dream
such as I told mom that in the dream I said loudly that if god exists, he'll make this water disappear but I swear on my life now, in
reality, I never said anything like that in the dream)
-i began doubting even more, if what i shared was partially wrong, what the fuck was the actual dream?
-how do i know this dream is fake and does not prove anything religious?
I'm confused now. Why is it that after sharing the dream with mom, I went from ignoring the dream to thinking of jumping off my house? From living to dying? From top to bottom? What the fuck just happened? Why did it affect me so much?
Guys, I need your suggestion. Something similar has happened before. After I became an atheist, I clearly told my parents that what you taught me was all wrong and blabla. Mom on that day said with a smile, "Ha, I can answer all your questions against Islam".
For 3 days afterwards, I felt like killing myself. I felt like what the fuck? I did so much research and my mom can prove me WRONG? What the fuck? What does she know that I don't know? I'm an ex-hafiz, they never even tried to memorize quran (become a hafiz), so what the fuck do my parents or mom know that I don't know?
On the 4th day, I broke. I went inside my parents room and challenged them to a debate. I told mom to let me know what you know. I will ask you questions, answer them. If you can't, don't ever challenge me again. Mom started crying and apologized said that she doesn't remember anything now and that she said what she said without thinking. She read islam long ago in her childhood and she does not know whether she read about what I asked her or not. Then, dad and mom both agreed infront of me that they cannot compete with me because my knowledge of islam as a muslim before and now as a atheist is still 100x more than them.
Afterwards, I felt 100% fine again. NO ANXIETY or FEAR of anything.
Do I need to face my mom again to ask her about why she reacted so retardedly to my dreams knowing that I'm an atheist and never coming back to islam so why?
Someone told me in my last topic that I should never share a dream with a religious person while being an atheist. WHoever that was, he was 100% right. I made a huge fucking mistake.
Secondly, Cognostic, you were 100% right too in the fact that everything does not have an answer. Dreams are dreams, fuck them, they happen because they happen but nobody knows why the fuck they happen. But we know they prove nothing.
What do I do now guys?
Should I face my mom and clearly tell her that I don't believe in any bullshit and that i'm never coming back to islam so stop dreaming?
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