Something I found while going through all my DVDs of backups... Thought y'all might like something funny...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside... I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
I don't know, but it seems to me if you know you are going to be in an accident, first you say it, then you do it.
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
26. My mother taught me about CHOICE
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
rmfr
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Fucking hilarious. I made my mom read this!
It's true what they say, "Mothers are all the same; they just have different addresses."
Oh holy cow! That was awesome! Brings back many childhood memories. Pretty sure I heard damn-near every one of those at some point or another. Thanks for the laughs, Arakish. LOL
Still on the topic of mothers, but slightly different: "mother-in-law" is an anagram of "woman Hitler".
When my mom was mad at me (all the fucking time) she would scream at the top of her lungs "JESUS H. CHRIST MYKE!" I would always calmly reply "Jesus doesn't have a middle name." This would send her over the edge so to speak and she would then beat me senseless!
The expression "Jesus H Christ" was first used in 1924, probably by an editor's mother.
https://www.etymonline.com/word/jesus
@Diotrephes
So you want me to apologize to my mother or what?
mykcob4,
"So you want me to apologize to my mother or what?"
It's just interesting to learn the etymology of words and expressions because it indicates when a document was written. It's easy for a writer to include words that were not in use at the time he wrote his fairy tale. The various Bible versions are loaded with them. So if I'm reading a document that was supposedly written in 1506 but it includes words first used in the 18th Century I know it's a fake right away.
I know Dio I was just poking fun at you. You are nothing if not one of the most thorough biblical historians I have ever witnessed. You and Oldman of course.
My mother taught me to "Take out the Fucking trash when you get home from school."
My mother taught me, "Don't you ever ask me for money!"
My mother taught me, "You are going to grow up to be a piece of shit just like your father."
My mother taught me, "No one would love a piece of shit like you."
My mother taught me, "Stop your whining or I will give you something to whine about. "
My mother taught me; to fear life and to use violence and hatred to get the things you want.
No wonder I left home when I was 16.
Congostic, I left just after going 16 as well. My mother taught me that others’ transgressions were not as important as the status quo. I’m sorry you had to endure what you did. It sucks. But I smile because you, it seems, are not a victim, you are a survivor. Good for you!
My mother taught me that passive aggression is the most effective means for her to piss me off!
You want passive aggressive? Look at fucking Canada.
After WWII, an American naval fleet was sailing in the Beaufort sea when they came across a Canadian signal and realized it was in their direct course of travel. The Canadian Navy got on the horn and told the Americans to avert their course south to avoid collision. The American fleet refused, saying instead that the Canadians should avert north. They remained steadfast, insisting the Americans avert course. Then came a transmission from an indignant American officer telling the Canadians to basically fuck off, and the Americans would not avert course. The Canadian Navy responded, "We're a lighthouse, so good luck."
@CyberLN
TY - I never looked back and I don't know that I would change a thing. I am happy with the person I have become. I can at least blame my mother for some of that. I never wanted to grow up to be a person like her.
I'll share a story. I was 16, still at home, and we were in an old beat up car heading for Kmart (a very cheap clothing store at the time) to do some shopping for school clothes. I hated shopping. I hated the car I was in. I hated that it was ugly on the outside and hot on the inside in all the rain because there was no air conditioning. I hated the way my mother drove all hunched forward over the steering wheel and trying to peer out the rain soaked window as the wipers did not do their jobs. I hated listening to her complaints about the traffic and the fact that she could not see. I hated her pulling into the parking lot and looking for a fucking parking place all the while bitching. I hated her voice. I hated the fact that I had to sit there quietly and listen to her shit less I speak out and she turned her vile anger on me. I hated her pulling in and out of the parking spot as she bitched that she could not clearly see and was going to ram the dam car next to her because it parked too close.
Then it happened! I opened the door and the rush of a gentile clean summer rain rushed over my senses. My body was instantly cool. I could feel a breeze on my face coupled with cool droplets of rain. The scent of fresh clean dirt was in the air. And most importantly, I was immediately at peace.
Just then, my mother emerged from her side of the car with her handbag over her head. "I hate this fucking rain!" And my first thought was "Why don't you quit bitching."
Then it hit me! I had been bitching as much as she had been bitching all the way to Kmart. I was doing the same thing she was doing. I was just as miserable as she was. And then the miracle (metaphorical of course). I realized that I did not have to do this any more.
For the first time in my life I gave up reacting to my mother. I walked from the car to the Kmart and enjoyed the feel of the rain and the smell of the wind every step of the way. I enjoyed watching my feet splash in the puddles and the sound of the cars swishing by on the wet pavement. Even the colors seemed brighter. I had no idea at all what my mother was saying but I know she bitched all the way to the Kmart while I was in a bubble of complete bliss. That was the day I made my mental escape. The physical escape followed not long after. I just knew I did not like who I was and I never wanted to be like my mother.
Years later, of course, I learned that I was very much like her. She is certainly inside of me. How could she not be after 16 years of influence. But now, I recognize my weaknesses, apologize if I overstep and rarely ever think of her or the craziness I left behind. I know that change is possible, people can improve their lives, and the only thing that keeps people stuck is their own thinking.
I don't know that I would change a thing even if I could. Some lessons in life are precious and worth remembering. I am responsible for my own happiness.
Just sharing.