ALLLL ABOOOARD!!!

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Tin-Man's picture
ALLLL ABOOOARD!!!

THE FANCIFUL LOGISTICS OF NOAH'S ARK

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, in an effort to lighten things up a bit, I would like to open the floor to the discussion of Noah's Ark. I know, I know... We are all very much aware of the mind-boggling nonsense of the concept. And that is the point. Why not have a little fun with it? For example, if there are any structural engineers out there with some time to kill, here's a fun challenge: Exactly how big would an ark have to be to carry all the animals, plus all the necessary supplies to sustain them, for the reported time spent on the ark? (Hmmm... That would actually be pretty cool to see.)

Meanwhile, have fun with this for a bit. Ridiculous ideas and suggestions are welcomed. I've included a couple of Non-Stamp Collector vids and a size-relation chart to help get things started. Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/j_BzWUuZN5w

https://youtu.be/XLr5vl-n0Bo

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algebe's picture
One of the biggest problems

One of the biggest problems would be climate control. You'd need hot humid areas for elephants, rhinoceroses and dung beetles, hot dry areas for kangaroos and koalas, and frigid areas for polar bears and penguins. The hippos would want a large tank and lots of wet mud.

Another problem I see is keeping the felines out of the aviaries. The Haast eagle of New Zealand (10-foot wingspan, 2-3 inch talons) could probably fight off a cheetah, but the poor moas and kiwis wouldn't stand a chance.

The boat would need an industrial-scale water desalination/purification system plus a large power generator. Solar panels wouldn't work well with all that rain. That means that the ark would have to have sufficient fuel tanks for several months afloat.

With all this infrastructure, I doubt whether there'd be room for much more than an ant farm and a flea circus on this tub. Especially after you provide space for six months supply of booze for a non-recovering alcoholic captain.

Tin-Man's picture
@Algebe Re: Booze

@Algebe Re: Booze

Would have to be more booze than just for the captain. I mean, even if I didn't drink BEFORE getting on that boat, I can pretty much guarantee I would be needing a few drinks after being on it for only a few days. lol

algebe's picture
@Tin-man: I would be needing

@Tin-man: I would be needing a few drinks after being on it for only a few days

I'm not sure how to break this to you, Tin-man, but there were no tin people on the Ark. I think they all rusted out when the rain set in. God in his infinite mercy and wisdom saved cane toads, parasitic wasps, filaria worms, fire ants, and malaria mosquitoes, but not the beautiful tin-people.

Tin-Man's picture
@Algebe Re: No tin people

@Algebe Re: No tin people on the ark

Luckily for me a couple of my ancient ancestors were able to sneak aboard disguised as feeding trofts. Their heroic tale of survival is told in the archaic History of the Metal Folk scrolls.

Sky Pilot's picture
Algebe,

Algebe,

According to the Bible the Seleucids used elephants in their war against Jerusalem. They also used elephants when they conquered Egypt.

Tin-Man's picture
Hey, nuclear generators would

Hey, nuclear generators would help with the power supply and water desalination. Oh... Wait....

Grinseed's picture
Whatever else you guys come

Whatever else you guys come up with may I suggest more than one frigging window? What sort of omnipotence decides on a single window in a vessel full of animals for a 40 night and day jaunt? Who farted indeed?!#!!

Tin-Man's picture
@Grinseed

@Grinseed

Yes, yes, yes... More windows would be nice, I agree. But shouldn't we be focussed on the more important aspects of ship life? For instance, where did they put the casino and spa facilities?

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
Well personally I would shape

Well personally I would shape the Ark like a globe and set it spinning rapidly and put wind and weather all over it, stuff to brew alcohol and grow the millions of tons of fodder wild so that I didn't have to bother getting my lazy kids to clean the cages.
Than I would not have the bother of getting the kangaroos, Moas, Thylacines, koalas (jeez they are so sloooow) rock wallabies, goannas, taipans, wombats, blue tongues etc up from Australasia and then back again without dropping one single bone on the way.
I would certainly squish those funnel web bastards on board so they didn't get back..

Anyhoo, once I had created this globe I would fill it 70% of water so that we all had a self sustaining system and oops..I guess I would have to set in spinning in space as all the water is now on board.

Oh wait....

Tin-Man's picture
@Old Man Re: Globe

@Old Man Re: Globe

Water on a spinning globe?... Really? And how exactly is THAT suppose to work? Oh... wait...

Cronus's picture
Anyone who entertains the

Anyone who entertains the fable as reality needs to be locked up.

The logistics for such an enterprise - with todays technology- is so mind bogglingly complex, that the thought of a bronze age drunk and his kids pulling off the feat are laughable.

...

I recall that back in the 80' s some college students ( think it was MIT) did the math. The " ark" size is quantified in the KJV Bible - and they figured that it would have taken multiple arks - with no internal structure --- and you ground the animals up into pulp - thus using all available interior space.

Short summary.

The story is a steaming pile of elephant feces....

Tin-Man's picture
@Cronus Re: "...you ground

@Cronus Re: "...you ground the animals up into pulp - thus using all available interior space."

Well, you have to admit, it would certainly solve the problem of needing extra space for all the necessary food and water.

Sheldon's picture
Maybe this is how McDonalds

Maybe this is how McDonalds started?

Tin-Man's picture
@Sheldon Re: "Maybe this

@Sheldon Re: "Maybe this is how McDonalds started?"

Would you like fries and a drink with your animal pulp McNuggets, sir?

Sheldon's picture
Where did the water come from

Where did the water come from, and where did it go, and why is there no geological evidence for a global flood? What did everyone and all the animals eat when the flood had killed all plant life?

Tin-Man's picture
@Sheldon

@Sheldon

So, did they sail around dropping off all the animals at their respective habitats, or did the ark run aground, drop the gangplank, lead the animals out, and set them on their way to make their own way back home? Maybe gave each pair a little map with an "X" marking "You are here", and an arrow pointing in the direction they should go.

Sapporo's picture
The Ark would have needed two

The Ark would have needed two Blue Whales, and all the plankton they would need to eat, because the flood would have have blocked the light entering into the oceans, and made the upper layers too polluted for plankton and the whales to live (due to all the sediment running off the earth's surface).

Sheldon's picture
A breeding pair wouldn't have

A breeding pair wouldn't have been able to provide the genetic diversity we see in species today. The story is too stupid for anyone to take literally, and yet there are people stupid enough to try.

mykcob4's picture
No matter how large the Ark

No matter how large the Ark that Noah built(by himself in a short period of time mind you) it doesn't compare with the ark you need to span the leap of faith that is christianity! I don't think was 500 years of age when he was commanded to build the ark (with no knowledge of how to do it mind you) and I doubt he was 600 when it was done. Retirement is 65 nowadays and we live longer than people of the stone age so retirement should have been around 15 or 20.
since people barely made it to 30.

Tin-Man's picture
@Myk

@Myk

Wonder what the Union labor contracts were like back then? And how much did OSHA slow down the production rate? And who provided the building permits? Inquiring minds want to know.

Grinseed's picture
@ Tin

@ Tin
No unions or safety authorities back then; these were simpler times...the bigger the job the bigger the whip.

Sky Pilot's picture
mykcob4,

mykcob4,

Moses got the Levite priests a full-funded retirement plan when they reached 50 years of age. They had it made in the shade.

Numbers 8:23-26 (TLB) =" 23-24 The Lord also instructed Moses, “The Levites are to begin serving in the Tabernacle at the age of twenty-five, and are to retire at the age of fifty. 25-26 After retirement they can assist with various light duties in the Tabernacle, but will have no regular responsibilities.”

All of the other dummies had to work till the day they died.

Sheldon's picture
The ark itself is absurd

The ark itself is absurd enough, but when you consider his extended family of roughly 2 dozen supposedly collected at least two of every air breathing species on the planet, placed them in a hand built wooden boat, and kept them in it for about a year, supplying all their diverse nutritional and environmental needs. It's beyond credulity, and how any sane adult in the 21st century that has had even the most rudimentary education can believe it is remotely true is also beyond credulity.

Sky Pilot's picture
Sheldon,

Sheldon,

The answer to that is really simple. It's a Jewish fairy tale and people love to believe in those fairy tales even though the Bible says not to. Even muslims believe in them. So even though Noah's flood story and zombie Jesus saving your soul is insane some people will believe every word of them without a second thought. In the modern world we are constantly bombarded with the BS so even skeptics get brainwashed.

Even the sinner Trump pushes the fairy tale and is basing American foreign policy on it.

mykcob4's picture
Yea and where did all that

Yea and where did all that material come from? How much did it cost? Presumably more than a couple of shekels!

Sky Pilot's picture
The Noah ark story is a

The Noah ark story is a vampire zombie that just won't die because too many people (including atheists) think that it's real. It's just a damn war story, probably about the Egyptian invasion of the Levant that made it part of Egypt. Remember, in the biblical fairy tale the Garden of Eden was just down the road from Assyria, Persia, Ethiopia, and Arabia. And guess what? Those places existed without any interruption during the flood and afterwards. They didn't even get damp. That's in the biblical fairy tale as well.

The Noah story uses metaphors to show that it's just a war story. Ravens, doves, olive branches, even the word flood. Flood is used in the Bible in numerous other places to indicate warfare.

Tin-Man's picture
@Dio Re: ..too many people

@Dio Re: ..too many people still think it's real...

Makes a person wonder, in this day and age, how any educated individual could possibly believe the ark story to be a real event.

Sky Pilot's picture
Tin-man,

Tin-man,

Could you survive a downpour of over 6 inches of rain per minute for 40 days and 40 nights? You would suffocate and go deaf from the noise, probably in less than a minute.

Tin-Man's picture
@Dio Re: Rain amount

@Dio Re: Rain amount

Holy hell! I never even considered that! Damn good point.

carolelaine's picture
I'm not very technical so I

I'm not very technical so I can't comment on the engineering aspect of the ark, but, I would like to know... How did Noah keep the predatory animals from attacking and eating the prey? And, if he couldn't. How did he explain that he had 2 zebra when he started out and none when he landed because the mama lion had a craving?

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