Dating atheist women
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SoM, this is a serious question. What was your purpose in starting this string? What did you hope to gain by it?
@CyberLN: "SoM, this is a serious question. What was your purpose in starting this string? What did you hope to gain by it?"
I'm not sure. I've just had this thought for years and only recently became comfortable enough to even talk about it. I've just been thinking a lot recently about what it would be like to actually date. I've been thinking this more so than I ever have before, because it's always been so evident that I couldn't have a girlfriend that I just kind of buried the idea back when I was a pre-teen and I never really returned to it. I never dated or talked to girls in high school, never went to prom, or dances, or football games, or parties, or anything. Yet, all the other guys were doing all the above and more. This has persisted on into my mid-late 20s and at a certain point I just adopted the mentality that it was just too late to jump aboard now, so I just buried the whole concept and moved on without it. Everyone is already experienced and light years ahead of me, and I haven't even taken the first step. Even if I wanted to do all that stuff in high school I couldn't have because no girls liked me or would give me the time of day. I mean, I'm not mad at them or anything. Why would they when there are all these other real guys they could be with?
I also recently started working at a Hotel and driving for Uber/Lyft in my state's capital city, and I see tons of women and couples all the time. I guess I've been exposed to it much more recently and it has been on my mind. I see some women who are very pretty and feminine and are likely Christian. But then I see more edgy women going to the dive bars who are into more edgy guys who are probably not religious. Not saying all atheist women are like that, but I don't think a Christian woman would be doing it. It also reflects insecurity on my part because I would think most atheist women are just too smart for me.
Regardless, it's just a perception that, whether right or wrong, I can't seem to really understand within my own mind. I guess it doesn't really matter because I'm certain to never date.
There is likely 10's of thousands of women within 1hr drive of you that are interested in dating someone within your age group. Subtract half that are unwilling to date someone based on appearance that you have no control over. That's fine, keep the better half. You still got many thousands of women interested in dating you. The rest is your personality and other things you have control over.
Improve your self, and reduce your requirements on your expectations, and keep an open mind, suddenly there is thousands of women you could potentially date. Sure plenty of them you will find out after a few dates are incompatible, thats fine you still had likely some fun and exciting dates.
Dont have much experience? Thats fine plenty of women out there that haven't either, those type of women sound more like your type anyhow. Be open and honest about it and even those women way ahead of you in experience will be okay with it.
What I am saying here is: adjust your attitude, expectations and requirement list, and you will find women to date, even if you are ugly like you say you are.
No you don't understand. It doesn't work like that for me. It just doesn't. The typical advice that works for most guys doesn't apply to me. I'm the exception to the rule. There are no girls attracted to me. None. And never will be no matter what. That goes for the entire world.
I'm not whining. I'm just stating it. Trust me, I've got nothing but a lifetime of examples to support it, and absolutely no examples to the contrary:
But regardless, I think that I've distanced myself from the atheist community because I realized that the simpler topics in life are much more enjoyable. I'd rather just forget about atheism and religion and culture and other complicated subjects, and just simplify my life. That's why I just don't think I want to surround myself with too many atheists. You're just bound to always be drawn into those heavy topics and thoughts. I think I'd just rather go back to the simple culture and thought process I was raised on and am I'm used to.
Allright, help us out, how ugly are we talking?
http://www.rantnow.com/2015/11/03/15-tragic-facial-deformities/
If you are within that realm, there quite a few charity organizations that can help you get cosmetic surgery. Nearly every skin condition can be cured or managed in a way that greatly reduces the appearance of it.
If you are extremely obese and that self conscious about it, there are solutions. For the rest of the body stuff you can wear clothes over them.
If you are none of the above mentioned, you are not nearly as ugly as you think you are, as long as your expectations for the women you might be interested in date are below victoria secret model, and are reasonable, you will be fine, most women are far less concerned with appearance of their partner than men are of women you will also find this increasingly true as the older and more mature the women you date are. (A 16 year old back when you were in high school might be "eww") but a woman in her 30's that learned the hard way multiple times that a loving man that respects them and is a good partner in their life is far more important than if their "man" could model for Calvin Klein mens underwear.
Okay maybe you won't get naked around your girlfriend or that other fun stuff too often, but you can still certainly have a GF and get married. Work on improving what you can and having the right attitude.
Thanks for trying Logic. But this whole post just shows how much you (and pretty much all others) don't get it. That's why I don't seek advice from people on this subject. It always boils down to a bunch of crap. I'm fine by this point accepting that enjoying the wonders of dating and sex is off-limits to me. Regardless, that wasn't the point of this thread, so I'll just leave it there.
It sounds like you do not really want any advice except the opinion you already formed for yourself. That you are undatable. Well, as long as you think that, then you are undatable. There is no magical idea someone can offer you (from an atheist or anyone else,) that will solve that. You cannot change other people. You can however, change yourself and your own formed opinions.
I honestly cannot think of a situation where someone is so ugly, physically, in a way that cannot be reduced or eliminated either medically, through hard work, or some combination of both, that they are "undatable."
I personally know a man that weighed 600 pounds that got married. Another friend of mine that has a large burn scar on his lower face that also got married, (incidentally, to me, to a very beautiful woman.) How? They had great personalities, and were great people, and did what they could to make themselves more appealing in other ways. The 600 pound guy was amazing at karaoke, my friend with the burn scar on his face, loves to put together and cook amazing dinners.
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My Story:
I was far too shy around girls in high school to ever have a real GF in high school, I never considered myself ugly, I just had my own shit that I put in the way of myself, I was a nerd, and fairly antisocial and was not too big on hygiene like deodorant. In my early 20's I told myself I did not need a woman in my life and I was fine without them, I saw my parents marriages fall apart and watched the step parents on each side fight a lot and the 2nd marriages my parents had fall apart. It seemed to me like it just was not worth it. I successfully rationalized to myself that I was better off staying away from relationships.
I threw myself into schooling, work and video games on my free time. Eventually, my best friend got married and he convinced me shortly before his wedding, "what is the harm in trying? You can always decide after you try that it is not for you, at least you would know for sure." Other people told me this, but, he also in the conversation said I was basically a coward if I did not at least try it.
To build up some self confidence, I started pushing weights, stepped up my attire from stained t shirts and jeans, did basic hygiene, and started dating girls that were into the same thing I was at the time, (video games.) In my first dates I was nervous, I was not smooth, but many "dates" thought that was cute, and knew full well they were dating a nerd or were just as awkward as I was.
I was up front, I was not very experienced and they appreciated the honesty instead of me trying to "fake it." I did not try to date the prettiest girls I knew or the prettiest girl that responded on the dating sites, I dated the girls that seemed nice, interested in the same things I was interested in, and were interested in trying a casual low pressure date with zero expectations on either side.
The response I got from girls was overall very positive, and my confidence grew. When I realized there was plenty of interest if I was honest, genuine, had some confidence and had basic hygiene, as well as basic dress and dating skills.
I then started to get more selective; for me, finding an agnostic/atheist girl was very important. It was not very long after I started the whole process of: "it can't hurt to try," that I found the woman of my dreams and we are now very happily married and I am enjoying the very best years of my life so far in this relationship that makes me a better and happier person.
Thanks for sharing your story Logic. But I still don't think I'm getting the point across to you though. I really AM completely undatable/unlikable. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be stubborn or difficult here. I'm just trying to convey the truth. I know you don't really get what I'm saying, and I'm not criticizing you. I just don't know how else to convey it. It really just takes meeting me, seeing me in the flesh, to understand. I see other girls so into guys and dating, kissing, doing social media shit, etc. There's not a snowball's chance in the Dante's Inferno a girl would ever look at me like that. It's out of the question entirely. I know you can't see why, but you've just got to believe me dude.
That is too bad you feel you are completely undateable/unlikable. I assume you also feel this cannot change?
It seems you came to realize with your new job that you feel like you are missing out on a nice aspect of life, when before you were more successfully able to ignore that aspect.
All I know is I met other people in real life that I got to know that at one time or another considered themselves strongly un-date-able, including myself to some degree. Those people worked to improve themselves and had success on dates and later marriage. Just as much success really, when they worked to improve themselves and actually tried dating a few times, as those that always considered themselves highly "date-able" (Women almost universally despise narcissistic people with huge egos.)
I also met women that I thought were quite naturally attractive that considered themselves ugly.
Penelope Cruz considers said she considers herself not pretty. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IAmNotPretty There are many other examples of women that I think nearly every man would consider she is at least somewhat attractive that have said/think the same thing.
I get you are no Penelope Cruz and have had people tell you are ugly, the point I am trying to make is I doubt you are as ugly/undatable as you think you are. You are able to write complete sentences and form coherent thought, that already puts you ahead of of a ton of people I know and the general public at large. Build on your strengths, improve your weaknesses. You may not ever be able to date Gal Gadot (the actress that plays wonder woman, I won't be able to either,) but thinking no woman would date you is a limitation you put on yourself, women did not put that limitation on you.
You know, I often try not to read up on what experts say about dating and stuff like that because everything they say really only pertains to people who've got that stuff in mind. The vast majority of people don't read that stuff and most of the advice given by those "experts" doesn't really map onto most people.
I find it hard to explain, but it's just always seemed to be a given in my life that women are for all those other guys, not for me. It seems like everyone knows this too. It just seems to be the default understanding that women are not for me. People I meet for the first time always assume I'm single, and don't seem to grant even the possibility that I could be dating. Everyone seems to think it's impossible for me to date.
The reasons for all of this are undoubtedly due to the totality of all my traits. Being ugly/unattractive is not based on having one or two ugly traits that are fixable. Rather, it is the totality of all of your traits, your looks, your personality, the sound of your voice, your body, etc that come together to form the essence of you. To change it would be to have a complete body and soul transplant. It is the entire essence of me, this perfect storm of ugly/undesirable traits that makes it impossible for people, who are used to a particular thing when it comes to mating preferences, to like me.
I've tried my aboslute best to change things, but it never works. It is exhausting to try too. Other guys charm women effortlessly, and those that don't can at least talk to them and get a response of some kind from them. I don't even look at them anymore because they start moving away from me.
This is why I've always tried to look into the option of getting rid of the desire for women/sex/companionship versus trying to satisfy it (which will never happen). It's not like I want to become impotent (by castration), but that seems like the only truly good option.
Also, the other thing you're missing is that the less attractive guys who lower their standards and date less attractive women are usually kind of off in the head. I don't mean they're retarded. It's just that most of them have different minds than attractive men or attractive women. Often times they think they've got a prize. But for me, it's like I've got an attractive guy's mind, but I'm trapped in this unattractive body. This is the worst combo because it's similar to how mentally challeneged people are blissfully unaware of how unattractive they are to normal people, therefore they can live happily. But when you've got a strong mind and strong self-awareness, but an unattractive body, that's the worst combo. My mind doesn't want to date on my looks level. Heck, I haven't even found women on my level to be attracted to me. But I think no woman at all is preferred to lowering my standards. That's just my take on it.
Based on the more recent conversation we are having here: stuff like "totality of my traits" I think I begin to understand where you are coming from.
Which is a far cry different conversation then we had early when you stated: "you would rather date pretty, southern traditional christian woman because you do not like atheist women because they tend to be butch and strong willed etc." on an atheist debate forum, of course there is going to be strong response to that.
Do know on some level you are helping a scenario of doing a self fulfilling prophecy when you decide you are un-date-able and then begin to rationalize why that is true. It may well be based on some solid evidence/experiences, but your chances go from 1% down to zero.
It is good to hear you say you put real effort into trying to improve your self.
I think it is more: some guys can charm some types of women with much greater ease than others. Never seen a guy effortlessly charm any woman they come across into dating them.
Castration as you say, is an extreme measure, I would not recommend that to anyone. Just about all men have sexual desires and needs, you can repress it, but most psychologist will say that is unhealthy. I am sure you are well aware you can take the edge off via masturbation. While sexual needs/desires are only a part of a good relationship, at least that part can be at least partially fulfilled without having a gf/wife. Also know that your sexual needs as a male will drop as you age. (Earlier for some men, later for others.)
As for connection and friendship, I assume you have family and friends, while again not the same as a life partner they can help fill the need for socialization. Obviously having your kids and building "the nuclear family" is out of the question, but adoption etc is an option.
While I do not fully agree with: "not lowering my standards" I can understand it. What little I do know of your standards, I could label them as "high."
I would think trying dating lowering your standards some, is better than not trying and going without any real loving relationships. Don't forget mass media constantly floods us with their concept of what an ideal attractive women is. Your opinion on what you like may not reflect your own opinion at all. There were times when a curvy woman with wide hips was considered by the majority to be much more attractive than a very skinny woman of the type we see in victoria secret commercials.
But hey, if it is more important to you to have a woman that meets or exceeds certain standards, then having a relationship at all, each to their own. I would just amend what you say here, (when people ask for clarification,) to something like: I am not appealing to the typical girl of the type I would be willing to date/marry... I would rather be single then lower my standards."
No, you're still off track by quite a bit. I'm not talking about "victoria's secret models". I don't even think most of them are attractive. I'm just talking about average, decently attractive women with average to good figures and kind personality. I don't think those standards are high at all. Some guys like heavier women actually. I'm not one of those guys. It's not just their looks either. I find that heavier women tend to have personalities that are not attractive to me either. Not saying that being overweight or the personalities of overweight people are bad or wrong, it's just that I tend to not mesh well with many of them that I meet.
I know some of this comes off as indecent or offensive to some. But you will find that I am often very honest about how I feel about things. That is one aspect of my personality that I can't suppress.
I meet a lot of women in my various jobs who are total bitches too. They're completely unattractive because they are potty-mouthed and rude and just act like spoiled little brats. Especially when I do Uber and I get drunk girls. I'm sorry ladies, but you guys get completely annoying and stupid when you're drunk. Women cannot handle alcohol like men. In fairness though, men tend to get violent when they're drunk, but I'm not one of them.
I just find it's very hard to even meet women. Every woman I meet always has other things going on in their life, boyfriends, exes, baggage, they're never interested, etc. It just makes me think; where do people meet their gfs/bfs? This concept is lost on me.
And if I went the online dating route, would there really be women there? Do women actually use these sites? They're so goddamn expensive too. Match is like $235 per year. I don't do snapchat or instagram or any of that other shit either. I'm just not privy to all this stuff. I was raised in the country in total seclusion, so the outside world with all its intricacies is totally lost on me. I've had internet friends who've told me I need to go out on the weekends on the town/bars, etc.? And do what? Stand in the corner like a weirdo? I can't approach women. Its just not going to happen. My only hope at "breaking the ice" would be online. If I had to go about it the traditional way, it's completely out of the question.
But everything else you've said is just very off base. I think most of what you've said is just the typical platitudes espoused by people who don't really know what they're talking about. Things are far more complicated than what you're suggesting. I don't mean to criticize you, but that's just the way it is.
Another guy who thinks he's entitle to a "supermodel+genius+humanitarian-of-the-year woman". That is why you can't get a date.
Welcome to the real world.
Nyarlathotep, did you literally not read a single word of my last post where I clearly said I was not looking for "supermodel+genius+humanitarian-of-the-year woman"? I don't even find most supermodels attractive at all.
Right; I read your disclaimer that you didn't want a model. Then I read the six paragraphs where you proceeded to pine for one.
I never said your standard was the victoria secret model in my last post. I was just pointing out that general consensus of what society considers as pretty can change and be influenced by media and culture, instead of it being rooted solely on logical reasons. (A woman with wide/large hips is more likely to not die giving child birth which should make the woman more attractive as a mating partner for raising a family and building a life with... at least before modern medicine.) If modern ob/gyn medicine actually influenced people's perspective of beauty than most men's bias on youth as beauty would have diminished at least some.
Honesty about your feelings is good. Judging a woman's merits by their behavior instead of just appearance is certainly better than just judging based on appearance, which a lot of people do.
I think we both know you are not going to get the cream of the crop, the best that the entire gender of women have to offer when your main exposure to women is ubering women around as they bar hop or head back home after a night of hitting the bars/clubs. I avoided those kind of women like the plague as well when I was looking to date. We both know not all women are like that, and also those very women do not act like that all the time and can change.
I am no fan of social media stuff either. I dated a few women I knew through friends, work, and my online gaming hobby. I then expanded to a dating site, just to try it out, of which I only used for a single month, it was a mess but I also found a few good dates through it as well. Perhaps I was lucky that snapchat, and instagram were not a big thing yet when I did this. I also imagine local atheist gathering locations would be a possibility to find other like minded women that may be available to date. Approaching a random woman in the bar/party that I did not know was something I never did.
I am no expert on dating, I don't feel I stated a bunch of platitudes. I told you my story, I was awkward, I also embarrassed myself more than once, I have had dates go horribly. I got better with practice, I tried to keep it fun. All I know is I am very glad that I decided to give it a try even when at the time I felt like I did not have much to offer any woman and it felt like it would be so much easier to stay single.
I did not make it complex, I kept it simple.
you are entitled to your feelings, thoughts, ideas, and needs. no one is trying to take that away from you. However, when you ask for advice, you most certainly will get it. As an older woman 43, I can tell you looks go away and what is left is the inner core...which is you. I agree with logic in that, an older woman who sees you for you on the inside, will not worry over the outside, no one os perfect. So take a breath, grasp your ideals and hold them dear, but also be open to others, this is what will ultimately make you a candidate for that which you desire. If you pigeon hole yourself and others, logic is also correct that statistically you'll be alone the rest fo your life, and it sounds like even though you say you are "okay with that" i sense greatly that you are not....hence, why you decided to open up. Good for you for doing that, and dont back down. Being a man means standing up for your beliefs even against all odds.
By all means. But this wasn't really an "advice" thread exactly. It was just a bullshit thread about figuring out why I like Christian women and didn't think I could ever like an atheist woman. Idk, there was a ton of foreign thoughts going through my mind when I made this thread.
" I think that I've distanced myself from the atheist community because I realized that the simpler topics in life are much more enjoyable. I'd rather just forget about atheism and religion and culture and other complicated subjects, and just simplify my life. That's why I just don't think I want to surround myself with too many atheists. You're just bound to always be drawn into those heavy topics and thoughts. I think I'd just rather go back to the simple culture and thought process I was raised on and am I'm used to."
Then I will ask again, SoG, what do you expect to gain from this dialog then?
http://www.salon.com/2013/11/01/atheist_marriages_may_last_longer_than_c...
So, you believe that morality comes from religion? lol Yea, the Bible is filled with how to live life like a moral person. (insert sarcasm) Women definitely get the short end of the stick, when it comes to relationships discussed in the Bible.
That said, I came back to Christianity a little over a year ago, and now, I'm concluding for a second time that an atheist view is the right one for me.
You might be interested to know that the majority of divorces come out of Christian circles, and that the majority of atheist marriages don't end in divorce. And that the majority of those Christian divorces are initiated by the women. lol Ah, it's amazing once you look at facts and not wishful thinking. :)
I don't really give a shit about the whole atheist vs religion thing anymore. It used to be all I thought about, but now I couldn't give one good god damn less. I just want to forget I ever pondered these thoughts, and just move on with a substantially simplified life.
careful with the "good god damned comment" a christian woman might find that revolting ;)
@Wecx - lol I didn't notice that link until I posted my comment. But, yep!
Hey SoM, have you ever heard of the "preachers daughter"? If so, you would know that promiscuity in the religious community is just as likely as it would be anywhere else. The thing is, Men and Women alike are good at fulfilling their desires behind closed doors and it's unrealistic to believe that one group of people are above others in terms of sexual morals. You think you are ugly. Whatever. If you can speak with confidence, you have an equal opportunityto date someone. Go get em.
P.S. - I've dated religious girls. They're nice, but overrated. I've haven't dated an atheist yet but I'm really looking forward to it. Maybe you should too.
I recently got married in May, and my husband is a non-theist, doesn't really claim atheism, but he doesn't really believe in any religions or religious beliefs. That said, I've mainly dated before him, atheist men, and by far they were better partners than Christian men. There are exceptions to the rules, of course, but of the Christian men I dated, most were uptight, insecure, and thought that women should play a certain role (beneath them, of course) and they were too possessive. Not sure if the same holds true for Christian women, but that was my experience in dating Christian men.
@CyberLN: "Then I will ask again, SoG, what do you expect to gain from this dialog then?"
I made this thread mainly because my new job has exposed me to more people, couples, single women, "nightlife", etc. I don't partake in any of it, but it's happening all around me where I work. I've never been exposed to such before and it has been provoking tons of thoughts I've never spent much time pondering before. Like, what would it be like if I could actually have a girlfriend? You can't imagine how foreign and alien the concept of having a girlfriend is to me. All of this exposure to young women and couples is really starting drive me nuts, which is why I'm thinking about quitting. No girls are attracted to me, so it's very difficult to put up with. I know I can't have any of that, so it's just torture kind of. All of this has also made me think of how I don't think I could date an atheist woman. That's why I'm here talking about it.
I really don't see the correlation of you not liking seeing people/couples, considering yourself undateable and not wanting to date atheist women.
And for the record every person on earth is atheist... if your Catholic then you are atheistic towards Islam, Judaism and every other religion.
Atheism isn't a belief it's a point of view, it's essentially just saying "I've looked at all the evidence or extreme lack of... and I call bullshit!"
Do you think singling out and ruling out atheistic women will improve what your call the slim chance you already have?
And perhaps the ladies here may correct me, but the whole "I'm undateable" attitude is a huge turn off! Be happy and confident, if not in your looks then in what your do and what you love.
@Randomhero1982: "And perhaps the ladies here may correct me, but the whole "I'm undateable" attitude is a huge turn off! Be happy and confident, if not in your looks then in what your do and what you love."
No, it doesn't really matter what attitude I adopt. That's what I was trying to explain to LogicForTW but of course no one listens.
"Do you think singling out and ruling out atheistic women will improve what your call the slim chance you already have?"
I didn't say there was a "slim" chance. There is unequivocally NO chance. I'm just speculating here.
"And for the record every person on earth is atheist... if your Catholic then you are atheistic towards Islam, Judaism and every other religion."
I think you very well know the difference. Someone who believes in some form of deity is nor atheist. Its still a different thing. And again, your post shows just how you and everyone else doesn't get it. Nothing you write is even close to on point. You know full well that catholics aren't atheists and don't think like atheists. How could you be so sloppy in your thinking to write this paragraph and not see how utterly wrong it was?
"I really don't see the correlation of you not liking seeing people/couples, considering yourself undateable and not wanting to date atheist women."
Just a bunch of thoughts at once. The "dating atheist women" topic was more relevant to this forum.
My last comment here for you buddy (insert a ban on the head),
You, a free thinker:
A freethinker is one who thinks freely--one who is prepared to consider any possibility, and who determines which ideas are right or wrong by bringing reason to bear, according to a consistent set of rules such as the scientific method.
Many atheists feel that the idea of God as presented by the major religions is essentially self-contradictory, and that it is logically impossible that such a God could exist. Others are atheists through skepticism, because they see no evidence that God exists.
here are many counterexamples to such a statement. For example, it is quite simple to prove that there does not exist a prime number larger than all other prime numbers. Of course, this deals with well-defined objects obeying well-defined rules. Whether Gods or universes are similarly well-defined is a matter for debate.
However, assuming for the moment that the existence of a God is not provably impossible, there are still subtle reasons for assuming the nonexistence of God. If we assume that something does not exist, it is always possible to show that this assumption is invalid by finding a single counterexample.
If on the other hand we assume that something does exist, and if the thing in question is not provably impossible, showing that the assumption is invalid may require an exhaustive search of all possible places where such a thing might be found, to show that it isn't there. Such an exhaustive search is often impractical or impossible. There is no such problem with largest primes, because we can prove that they don't exist.
Therefore it is generally accepted that we must assume things do not exist unless we have evidence that they do. Even theists follow this rule most of the time; they don't believe in unicorns, even though they can't conclusively prove that no unicorns exist anywhere.
To assume that God exists is to make an assumption which probably cannot be tested. We cannot make an exhaustive search of everywhere God might be to prove that he doesn't exist anywhere. So the skeptical atheist assumes by default that God does not exist, since that is an assumption we can test.
Those who profess strong atheism usually do not claim that no sort of God exists; instead, they generally restrict their claims so as to cover varieties of God described by followers of various religions. So whilst it may be impossible to prove conclusively that no God exists, it may be possible to prove that (say) a God as described by a particular religious book does not exist. It may even be possible to prove that no God described by any present-day religion exists.
In practice, believing that no God described by any religion exists is very close to believing that no God exists. However, it is sufficiently different that counterarguments based on the impossibility of disproving every kind of God are not really applicable.
so, in sum, really contemplate where you are and go with it against all odds, and not because of what we say or choose to believe that is your best interest.
All we are saying here is that you are still the in concundrum of "where am i in all this" other than your constant self ridicule. . life, existence is and always will be a a riddle that is yet to be solved. good luck brother.
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