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Seaofmadness's picture

I'm not sure why I'm here. I just chose this forum for whatever reason. I don't know.

I'm sure you get tons of "I want to commit suicide" threads, so I don't really want to go down that route. But I must say that I really wish I weren't alive. I hate life. I hate it! If ever a person was dealt staggeringly horrific genes/traits, it's me. Both in terms of appearance and personality, I'm just a pathetic mess of a person. I've burned so many bridges, and I've also made my life impossible with bad choices. I have no positivity, and I'll never have any. I absolutely hate life and I want it to end. I hate every single day on this planet. I hate myself, and I hate everyone else too. I have no business being here. I don't want help. I really just want to stop living. I don't have the life force or the desire to battle through this and get better. I don't have any friends to count on, not even the most remote prospects for a relationship, and absolutely no skills or education to earn a living. I just can't stand to be here any longer. I absolutely hate life in every single regard. There's nothing for me in life. I'm not saying this out of depression.

People always say "give it time, it'll get better", and they keep repeating the same platitude, "you never know what will happen. You may become the next billionaire someday." Please, spare me. Nothing good will happen to me. I'm too flawed, and too fucked up. I have no redeeming qualities. The recipe in my genetics and my piss poor traits can only be a recipe for bad.

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jamiebgood1's picture

I'll be your friend. You want to tell me why you hate yourself. I barely graduated high school. Life does suck.

jamiebgood1's picture
And I haven't seen any

And I haven't seen any suicide threads here. It's pretty ballsy of u to mention it:) I have family members and clients who have attempted suicide. Its usually a cry for help or a waste of life.

Seaofmadness's picture
I don't even want to talk. I

I don't even want to talk. I'm not even sure why I posted this. Have a good day.

jamiebgood1's picture
Ok :)

Ok :)
You can message me if you change your mind.

ThePragmatic's picture
Perhaps you should give us

Perhaps you should give us some more details?
How old are you? What area of the world do you live in?

I often thought, that if I for some reason were to loose everything I care about, I would pack a bag and go to some where in the world where they need help. And just do something basic, like digging or building to help get water to people.

jamiebgood1's picture

That sounds pretty perfect. Ill do that. You stay and solve the world through your internet skills. Ill let you know how it works out. ;)

Seaofmadness's picture
Just don't worry. Forget I

Just don't worry. Forget I said anything.

algebe's picture
It sounds to me like you're

It sounds to me like you're pretty much focused on only one person in the whole world, and you can't judge that person properly because your vision is skewed and you lack perspective. I'm not going to tell you you're right or wrong about yourself, because I don't know you. I'm just saying that you shouldn't condemn yourself because you're not an impartial judge.

Go find some people who are worse off than you and do what you can to help them.

You say you have no education or skills, but your writing is pretty damn good. I'd bet you could teach adult literacy, for example.

Seaofmadness's picture
I'm not interested in talking

I'm not interested in talking about how I could better my life. I have no hopes life will improve, nor any ambitions to do pursue it.

algebe's picture
@Sea of Madness: "I'm not

@Sea of Madness: "I'm not interested in talking about how I could better my life"

Were you expecting to find echoes of your nihilism here? Atheists are materialists, but most of us are the very opposite of nihilism. We know that this one life is all we get, and we're determined to make the most of every minute. You should try a little of that, because you'll be dead a long time.

If you're looking for people who can understand your feelings, maybe you've come to the right place. Most of us here have been through crises of self-loathing, guilt, isolation, thoughts of self-harm, etc., as part of our struggles to shake off the poisonous tentacles of religion. I can tell you from experience that there is always a way through. Others have turned to religion for help and found it to be a sugar-coated pill of nothing.

As others here have said, get some medical help. And stop clicking "disagree" on all the posts from people who're at least trying to help you.

jamiebgood1's picture
How old are u sea of madness

How old are u sea of madness

mykcob4's picture
I agree platitudes are

I agree platitudes are useless. I really hate the one "what comes around goes around".
I think that you are wrong though.
You have at least two qualities that I like.
1) You are straight forward
2) You have no problem putting it all out there.

We all have self-doubt. You have a view about yourself. You think people don't like you. Well, you are probably right about some of them, maybe even most of them. So embrace it. Just be yourself and to hell with everyone else and everything else. Who gives a damn anyway. The only one you have to please or answer to is you.
Now I know that is hard because you will never live up to your expectations but give it a shot. Happiness is relative. It's an attitude and a choice.
Hey, I'm old and not the best looking guy but I don't let it bother me. If someone only likes you for they way you look they don't really like YOU.
The great thing about the net is none knows what you look like. They can like you for you.
As far as education. You don't need a degree to be educated, it helps, but they way you think is far more important. I easily read your Op and it's brilliant. Far better than most. It implies that you are smart.
I am not trying to be your friend or butter you up. I am the bluntest person on this forum.
JamieB. wants to talk. She is the most sincere compassionate person on this forum (not the only one), she's great.
So here's the thing. Life's tough not just for you but for everyone. You have it rough, but so do the rest of us. You might find that you have a great deal in common with people here. From that, you might find people outside this forum that have things in common with you. I bet that you are just a normal person that has gone through extraordinary things. So let's deal with them, shall we?
You mention suicide. Not a good choice It's too final and it doesn't solve anything. You just destroy opportunity. So let's look for opportunity instead of dwelling on the negative.
I could waste your time and mine explaining just how bad things are and have been in my life. Big deal right? It's just me. So let's look for some positives. This coming from a guy (me) that really doesn't like people at all.
One thing told me you REALLY care. You said the word hate 6 times. That means you have passion. So let's channel that passion. If you really didn't care, you would never say hate. You have to be alive to have hate. Hate and love are really the same emotion.
Now I'm not saying "I'm here for you." That would be a lie. I'll do what I can. Hey, even if I make you cuss me out, I would have done something.
What do you say/ Want to give it a try?

Seaofmadness's picture
I do hate life. But that

I do hate life. But that shouldn't suggest that I care. I don't.

mykcob4's picture
I don't believe you.

I don't believe you.

SBMontero's picture
@mykcob4: Anybody believe him

@mykcob4: Nobody believe him

Seaofmadness's picture
Oh well. That's why the

Oh well. That's why the suicidal will always be misunderstood. People think they know the reasons why, but they haven't a clue. It's not about being in shitty circumstances. It's about hating who you are as a person. I wish for nothing but pain and destruction upon myself.

jamiebgood1's picture
I have no clue why people

I have no clue why people would because my biggest fear was always losing someone I love. My sister tried and I believe at times she hated herself. My uncle succeeded in hanging himself and his reasons had to do with his homosexual desires. Maybe the reasons you hate yourself aren't valid enough for death.

chimp3's picture
SofM: Why do you think your

SofM: Why do you think your problems are genetic?

mykcob4's picture
I don't think I know the

I don't think I know the reasons. I just know the results. Suicide wants to end the pain, not for pain, so you aren't really suicidal. I have seen suicides firsthand. They all want the pain to end.
So you hate who you are. Okay, that is real. What else? Do you fear change? Do you think you can't change?
One thing that everyone can change is an attitude. You don't think you can do that, or is it that you don't want to do that?
Hey, you know what? I hate the person that I am. Can't change who I am, but I can change how I am.
Are you just scared to change? That is a real thing. If so, then you need help to change.
Hey, I have PTSD. I can't deal with it by myself. I am an alcoholic. Couldn't deal with it on my own. Now I can deal with both. Sometimes it is just the chemistry in your brain. I took Prilosec. I don't take it now, but I needed the drug to clear the dark clouds away. I needed counseling.
I don't make a lot of money but I make a living. It wasn't and isn't easy. I can't solve every problem that crops up, but I do what I can. It's easy to give up. It's easy to whine and not do anything. It's easy to say you want to die and talk about suicide. Most successful suicides are made by people claiming that they are going to do it. They just do it. They may leave a note but they know that note will be read after the deed is done. Even suicide bombers don't give a real warning.
So you can get off your ass and talk to someone, us, or anyone, or you can't just keep whining.
Look I am not saying you don't have pain, clearly, you do. Well, let's do something about that pain.
You apparently are reaching out or you are just playing a joke. Your profile says that you are a non-atheist, so I suspect that this is a prank. If it's not, then come in off the ledge and really talk. Don't just keep saying we don't know and you shouldn't have even come here. If that is the case go away OR talk to us.

CyberLN's picture
Sea, please get biological

Sea, please get biological reasons for your feelings ruled out. For instance, thyroid problems can make someone feel like ending their own lives is reasonable. Talk to a physician. Please.

Nyarlathotep's picture
Yes, go get some happy pills.

Yes, go get some happy pills. I'm serious!

Seaofmadness's picture
I've never liked myself.

I've never liked myself. There's never been a time in my life when I didn't hate life. I've wanted to kill myself for years and years now, I keep hanging around for the good changes everyone says might come. The thing I've learned is that there are no good changes that can come. I literally hate everything about life. To me, there is nothing good. So I don't expect good changes to happen.

jamiebgood1's picture
You sound so sad. Do you have

You sound so sad. Do you have people in your life that love you or you love?

SBMontero's picture
@Sea of Madness: Sorry, but..

@Sea of Madness: Sorry, but... Have you seen us like psychiatrists? First you say that you don't want therapies and now you want to drag us to a group therapy.

Seaofmadness's picture
Charlie, you're right. I'll

Charlie, you're right. I'll go now.

SBMontero's picture
@Sea of Madness: Go ahead!

@Sea of Madness: Go ahead!

Stu. K.'s picture
By posting here, you most

By posting here, that shows you most likely want help. And with that being said, why isn't therapy an option? Its way better than not doing anything at all. In fact, I just started therapy today and l already feel that I'm in much better hands.

Seaofmadness's picture
Because therapy implies that

Because therapy implies that life is desirable and something to be fought for. It's not.

mykcob4's picture
Really Sea? That is just

Really Sea? That is just defeatist, not realistic.

Stu. K.'s picture
Yes like what Myk said, that

Yes like what Myk said, that's just unrealistic. Also, have you ever considered that your thoughts and feelings are skewed because of how you feel? I know for me when I get tangled up in my OCD and impulsive thoughts/actions, my whole thought process gets fucked up.


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