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@Stu. K.: But what the hell...
@Sea of Madness: Right now you're trying to do group therapy with us... don't treat us like idiots
What is unrealistic is thinking I will ever acquire a love for life. I won't. I hate life and everything in it. Especially myself.
@Sea of Madness: I don't give a shit, go to a psychiatrist. You've been saying for eight hours that life doesn't matter to you, Cannot you find bleach in your house, or what?
"What is unrealistic is thinking I will ever acquire a love for life."
Tell that to the vast number of Sperm that YOU beat to the egg. I'm sure they'd love to hear how you could care less about the prize you've been given (Life)
If you're going to say some self degrading shit in reponse to this, then please do not reply.
I might as well self-deprecate. If not others will do it for me.
Charlie, fair enough. Thanks.
@Sea of Madness: Go! C'mon!
Well seems like you already made up your mind on the matter Sea of Madness. I do praise your writing skills, kudos. The change you are looking for starts with you. Anytime you want to talk about how life sucks and the details of it all you can message or post if you feel like it. Negativity doesn't bother me so hate away all ya like mate.
I'm not joking or being provocative when I say that I hate everything. I have nothing but utter contempt for this world. My mind is a pitch black place. No religion could ever conceive of a Hell darker than my mind. The contradictory part is that I feel the world would be better off without me. I view myself as a loser, an undesirable, and a fuck up. I view these qualities as inherent and unchangeable. They are simply part of who and what I am. I feel like this song:
@Sea of Madness: I'm not interested. If you want group therapy go to a psychiatric center
You give yourself way to much credit in believing that this world is better off without you. Unless you are a serial killer and a rapist then this world isn't better or worst with you in it. If you are in your teens then this might be a hormonal stage you are going through, if not then being so negatively self-absorbed is the right path to self-destruction. Pet a cat and eat some ice cream woman/man. You gotta want something in this world other than feeling so shitty all day long.
The strident approach does not work on me. I do not respond to the type of medicine you are trying to administer to me. How I feel is how I feel, and no "quit being a bitch" line of argumentation is going to work.
I will offer a few caveats to what I've been saying here though. There are a couple of things in life I DO find enjoyable. One of them is eating. Eating is almost a sacred act for me. I cherish Every time I sit down for a meal. It is a very important part of every day for me. The only other thing I enjoy is when I am numbing myself with drugs or alcohol.
Sea of Madness,
You make the biblical character Job look like the life of the party.
Sea of Madness.
Are you looking for permission?
Ah you are a user so therefore no one here can help, not that you are looking for help. lol, In this case, some old Spanish saying comes to mind. El que por su gusto muere, que lo entierren parado. I think that translates to; he who dies by his own will, may he be buried standing up? If anyone can translate that better please do so.
There are some towers just outside my closest big city. These towers are extremely tall. They must be at least 1200-1500 ft tall. I would really love to climb them and jump. I think it would be a very beautiful way to die. The view from up there would be breathtaking. But I probably can't get up there. Those towers have barricades around them and are impossible to get to unless you are someone who has access to them. I think about it every day when I pass by them on the interstate though.
Sea of madness
Drugs and alcohol make it seem like jumping is a good escape. I hope you can see that because they really fuck with your head. :(
After everything written here, you talk about suicide? What kind of shit is that? Instead of focusing on yourself. It might serve you better to try and make the world a better place. You can start by NOT committing suicide. Cause no one needs to see a gory mess at the base of a tower. Fuck dude, build a bird house, sell some lemonade, anything. Just do something productive.
I don't want to "do something productive". I've given up. I'm not looking to better my life. I'm looking to destroy it. I'll be damned if I ever try again. Everyone else wants this world, they can have it.
I'm not sure if I want to die, or to live in agony. Doing as I'm doing now meets my desire to cause pain and suffering upon myself. I deny myself all pleasures, and I force myself into seclusion. This is what I deserve, but I deserve worse yet.
I'm a loser who could never do anything right. Whether it was school, work, friendship, etc. People hate me and treat me differently. I'm ugly, awkward, and strange. I'm quirky in very unbecoming ways. I'm inherently broken and undesirable. I try to overlook these problems and move on, but I receive nothing but ostracism and hostility from others. Women hate me and view me as pathetic and ugly in every way. I'm a virgin whose never had a girlfriend (or really even spoken to a woman). I'm always domineered by other men in public, and the women seem to applaud at my degradation when this happens. I have no friends because no one wants to be friends with a pathetic fuck up like myself. Everything I say, do, think, and touch is undesirable and worth condemning. Nothing good can possibly come from me.
Therefore, I no longer seek happiness. I actively pursue what life wants for me anyway; pain, suffering, misery, and death. I will direct all of my efforts towards my destruction. It seems this is what life wants for me, so this is what I want for me. I won't entertain any notions of me bettering myself.
I'm also appallingly stupid. It's unreal how inept my brain is. There are no redeeming qualities to me. I'm defective and pathetic across the board. I deserve nothing but severe pain and death.
@Sea of Madness "It's unreal how inept my brain is."
Inept brains do not write as well you do.
Sea of madness
Uh I feel stupid too. You seem younger than me, and yet even if you aren't there a lot you can do about how you feel. I'm trying to educate myself through articles and learning from intelligent people. It's frustrating but enlightening. Does your sea of madness name have anything to do with how you feel?
Look guys. I'm sorry about all the suicide talk and the vague nature of my words. I am severely depressed and I often turn to the Internet for catharsis. Right now my father is in bad shape after an accident from work. He has a broken hip and is in the hospital. He's fairly advanced in age so this can't be good. I'm not saying this for sympathy. Just saying that I won't be posting on my depression again for a while. Bigger issues are afoot.
@Sea of Madness
You need to seek mental health help. I'm sure you think you don't need to; but that is exactly the problem, your thinking is messed up. If I knew where you were I'll make the call, but since you are more or less anonymous, I can't do it for you. It's like asking a broken computer to figure out what is wrong with itself; that isn't going to work. The good news is generally if you self admit you have a wider latitude of options (at least in the US).