If God Does Exist...

Image by Makeesha Fisher

God is Like a Certain Celebrity Sex-Tape

God, to me, is like the Hannah Minx sex video (just Google her if you don’t know her)—we all want it to be true, and it would provide millions of people across the globe instant gratification, but there is no solid evidence of its existence. We have to look at facts; while lots of people have claimed to have seen it, and there are even grainy, cloudy images that kind of resemble her in a way, at the end of the day, the actual video has not surfaced. You’d think with that many people searching for it, someone would have found something substantial, but that hasn’t been the case. So until I am given the link to this video, I am inclined to believe that there is no such video, or at the very least I will not proclaim any knowledge of what happens on said footage should it exist. But this is where theists fall down (I am no longer using the Hannah Minx sex tape analogy anymore by the way), because instead of admitting that they truly have no idea what an entity like God could want from us, they pretend they know exactly what he is thinking. To be honest, I think he’d find that kind of arrogance more insulting than my disbelief.

I’m an Ant and Proud of It!

If I owned an ant farm and the ants were unaware of my existence and went about their day I’d be okay with that. If, however, they started forming little groups and started to hate or segregate other ants for whatever reason and they did it in my name, I’d have a problem with that, because it is bringing me into it. Let’s just say it was a massive ant farm with many different colonies; now one ant in one colony writes a book about me, despite having no connection with me at all, no real understanding how he came to be but proclaiming I gave him this knowledge when I didn’t; I as his “maker” would have a problem with that. Especially because on the other side of the farm in a different colony, another ant is writing another book about me with the same mindset but a different set of ideals on how he thinks I want the formicarium to run. One ant religion says I opened the farm up and spoke to a lone ant one day while he was toiling the field, while the other ant religion says that I placed a special ant among them to whom I spoke to outside the farm and gave it special instructions to carry out. Neither is true, I said no such thing because quite honestly I have better things to do with my time then to try to explain myself to an ant. Why would I care how an ant chooses to live his life? As long as he is not killing all the other ants he can do as he pleases; I am not so petty, bored and insecure about myself that I would go out of my way to dictate what an ant chooses to do on his day off. The only thing that would worry me is when these two arrogant ants who think they know what the almighty James wants from them start telling other ants what to do and suddenly we have a big ant dilemma. I can’t stop it myself because it is not like they can understand my language; they are after all, just ants. Even if I were to tell the ants what I wanted from them, I would not have told one ant colony one thing and the other colony something entirely different, I would have made sure that all ants everywhere could hear my voice and my message to avoid any confusion. I certainly would not have been all cloak and dagger, whispering in the ear of a single ant.

It is only a matter of time before these two conflicting beliefs meet each other and when they do no ant is going to back down because they are both positive they have my holy word to back them up so they are going to end up killing each other over nothing, which upsets me because I grew that farm expressly for the purpose of watching them grow. I can go and get another farm, they are pretty cheap and it is not a problem for me but I felt something for those ants, they were special to me and even though they did some things I didn’t like seeing, all in all I found them entertaining.

God Doesn’t Care What You Get Up To As Long As You Are Interesting

I don’t think there is a “God,” but if there is, he is not an interventionist. If he was, he would see the misery cancer causes and he’d simply wipe it out, rather than save one or two fortunate people when they “pray” hard enough. He is like me with my farm—you can’t get too involved or else that defeats the entire purpose of the formicarium. He’ll occasionally glance over at us, see what we’re up to, chuckle when get all excited about new technology, which to him is nothing special. I think the only thing that would piss him off is when people pretend to know what he wants from us. Take homosexuality for instance; the big religions are very clear that God believes it to be terrible, but if he really hated it, why does he allow it in nature? Those two male dogs having some gay love, are they going to hell? Doggy hell? I just don’t think he really gives a damn who we shag or what we get up to in the bedroom, why would he? Back when the Bible was written we didn’t have things like bondage or role-play, so how do you think God feels about this? Perhaps he should have a new and modern Bible written to clarify his apparent stance on same-sex relations...

Frank 3:12

“I don’t mind what you get up to as long as it is not with another dude..You can tie each other up, drench yourselves in marmalade and quack like ducks while listening to heavy metal but just don’t do it in the naughty place.”

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I think God has more important things to worry about in the universe, like gamma-ray bursts and black holes, than whether or not you’re doing the dirty with the same gender. If you cannot process that thought, think about this: we’re talking about a guy who…

Made the sun shine through thermonuclear fusion of hydrogen and helium at its core, but wanted fireflies to glow too, but did not want to use the same technique as before, so through ingenious engineering he made the fireflies a special set of cells that create an enzyme called luciferase which can drive a chemical reaction to create light. He created gravity that keeps humans on the ground and planets in the solar system, but made a few exceptions to keep things interesting, like with something called “capillary action” where water can essentially defy gravity. He made humans out of over 100 trillion cells, each cell storing invaluable information that makes us who we are. He somehow managed to make Saturn so immeasurably huge yet so low in density that it would float in a big glass of water. He gave some migratory birds a bio-magnetic compass in their body, a sense called magnetoreception, which allows them to detect magnetic fields to perceive direction, altitude or location. Through humans he created tennis, fashion, prisons, marketing, pyjamas, telecommunications, dildos, mathematics, Playstations, sofas, trees, mobile phones, wheels, tables, Sweden, electric, fast cars, Bill O’Reilly memes, supermarkets, masturbation and everything else in our universe...

He did all this...but he hates gays.

Anyone capable of rational thought can see the flaw in this. A being of such magnificent intelligence and creativity really wouldn’t care if you were gay or not, or even if you believe in him or not. If God exists, he has never and will never reveal his intentions or ideology to us because we simply could not begin to comprehend anything a being so great could have to say to us. So the best thing to do is to devote oneself to the real world—what we can see, what we can understand and what we can change for the better, and not to insult God by pretending to know what he/she/it/they want from us. I genuinely think the ONLY way of better understanding the possibility of a “God figure” or the other mysteries of the universe is through science. The Bible, Koran etc. are nothing but a hindrance to true enlightenment through education and humanism. Science is the gift given to us to understand how things work, and we should not squander this gift out of the fear that the one who gave it to us in the first place would not want us to use it. As I said, I don’t believe in God. But if God does exist, he himself is a scientist, carefully watching us, documenting us, trying to understand our behaviour and why we do the silly things that we do.

We are bacteria on a petri-dish, and the only way we will see and get to play in the whole laboratory is to stop relying on the scientist examining us to solve our problems for us. God is not going to fix global warming, disease or starvation. These are our problems, and we have to fix them. All God is going to do is watch...Like some sort of omnipotent world–making voyeur.

Last word. If someone tells you they know what God wants, they are full of shit, and you should completely disregard everything they say because they don’t know anything about God or the afterlife that you don’t.

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