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Jeff Vella Leone's picture

Sometimes one needs to take a break from debating and laugh it off.

I have been posting jokes in some random topics sometimes and since it does not benefit most, I decided to create a topic for them.
I will be putting some jokes here, though you are welcome to put your own too.

OK let us start with my favorite this week:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

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Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A minister dies and is

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of First Church for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A father was in church with

A father was in church with his three young children. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During one particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.

One of the man's children, his little-five-year old daughter, was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
English_Dragon_Hatchling', on

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"
Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?"
"Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!"
Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"
Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.

On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You cannot be here!"
Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."
Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here."

Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."
Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"

Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"
Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad."

So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.
God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!"

"Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"

On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off.

Catching his breath, God says "IRON CROSS?

"Jesus why would you to take an IRON CROSS when you couldn't even carry a wooden one?"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A hunter is out hunting bear

A hunter is out hunting bear in the woods. He sees one, lines up his sights, takes a shot, and misses. The bear sees the hunter and charges towards him. The hunter tries to take another shot, but finds he's out of ammo. He throws down the gun and starts running away, but he realizes that the bear is going to catch up to him.
The hunter falls to his knees and starts praying. He says, "Dear Lord, I ask that you let this bear find some religion before he does me in."

He turns around, and the bear stops, falls to its knees, and starts praying. The bear says, "Dear Lord, for this food I am about to receive, I am truly grateful…"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
In heaven, the angels asked

In heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next holiday. God said, "Definitely not on Earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl pregnant and those people haven't stopped talking about it since!"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Jesus was worried about the

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A priest and pastor from the

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
I'm an atheist and I liked

I'm an atheist and I liked this one LOL

Mitch's picture
Hah! That was good.

Hah! That was good.

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
I asked a Jew who he was

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A little kid asks his father,

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both, son, God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both, son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes, son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
An old Arab lived close to

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
One afternoon, a wealthy

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

ThePragmatic's picture
“To most Christians, the

“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”

― Bill Maher

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
so true haha, liked that one

so true haha, liked that one live.

an other one of his I liked:

''Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?'' —Bill Maher

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
An other good one of his:

An other good one of his:

''New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the Equal Protection Clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.'' —Bill Maher

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A mature (over 40) lady gets

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A priest and a nun are lost

A priest and a nun are lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they come upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepare to go to sleep. There is a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest says, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as the priest, zipped up in the bag, is beginning to fall asleep, the nun says, "Father, I'm cold."

He unzips the sleeping bag, gets up, gets a blanket and puts it on her.

Once again, he gets into the sleeping bag, zips it up and starts to drift off to sleep when the nun once again says, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzips the bag, gets up again, puts another blanket on her and gets into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes close, she says, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remains there and says, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun says, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yells out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Late one night a mugger

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
A married Irishman went into

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

ThePragmatic's picture
Hilarious part of a thread on

Hilarious part of a thread on Reddit:

- "If God wants to make laws, he needs to run for office like everybody else."
-- "Good luck getting him to show his birth certificate - Who would've signed it?"
--- "Donald Trump."
--- "The Christian God wasn't born in America so therefore is not eligible to run for president anyway."

ThePragmatic's picture
Funny lemming migration

Funny lemming migration metaphor:

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Hmm, are the one jumping the

Hmm, are the one jumping the theists or the atheists?, since it could go both ways that metaphor.

Or maybe I did not get it?

ThePragmatic's picture
The theists are the ones

The theists are the ones jumping in blind faith, of course. :)
While the sceptic wants to know how deep it is first. That was my interpretation anyway.

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Yea that was my first

Yea that was my first impression, but then after I removed my bias, I realized that it could be understood differently.

like atheists jumping strait into hell and the theists researching about it using the bible.

ThePragmatic's picture
Sure, I see how it could be

Sure, I see how it could be interpreted like that as well.

But since atheist are in minority just like the lemming trying to measure, and the fact that it was measuring and not getting the depth from an assumed authority, I automatically see it as a the skeptic. :)

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Yes i agree with you, guess i

Yes i agree with you, guess i'm too used to assume nothing. heh

Austin Hodge's picture
Oh, come on! Stop with the

Oh, come on! Stop with the Catholic jokes, guys. Nuns of them are funny.

Jeff Vella Leone's picture
Lol i think this is the best

Lol i think this is the best joke of all, 2 idiots put disagree to all the posts I made in this topic.

As if I care about agree/disagree, but it is nice to be proven right that there are haters that cannot handle an honest debate and have to resort to childish pranks to dissipate their frustration for being so stupid.

ThePragmatic's picture
Like I always say, all babies

Like I always say, all babies are atheists.
This one just happens to be a bit more aware of what's going on:


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