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Bringing you atheist articles and building active godless communities takes hundreds of hours and resources each month. If you find any joy or stimulation at Atheist Republic, please consider becoming a Supporting Member with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a good dinner.
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lol
Child abuse starts from there, the priest already got the position. SEE!!!
Is this only for religious jokes, or can we tell any joke here?
Any joke you wish :)
One day there was a fish swimming along in a lake. The fish was hungry and he looked up to see a fly flying above the water. The fish thought to himself, "Gee, if that fly would only drop six inches, I could jump up out of the water and have myself lunch."
Over on the shore, there is a bear, and he sees the fly flying along and thinks to himself, "Gee, if that fly would only drop six inches, the fish would jump out of the water to eat the fly, and I could reach out and catch the fish."
Across the lake, there is a hunter, and he sees the fly flying along the lake and thinks to himself, "Gee, if that fly would only drop six inches, the fish would jump out of the water to eat the fly, and the bear would reach out to catch the fish and I would have a perfect shot at the bear."
Sitting in a hole is a mouse, and he sees the fly flying along and thinks to himself, "Gee, if that fly would only drop six inches, the fish would jump out of the water to eat the fly, and the bear would reach out to catch the fish and the hunter would have a perfect shot and drop his cheese sandwich and I would have lunch."
Watching the mouse is a cat, and he sees the fly flying along and thinks to himself, "Gee, if that fly would only drop six inches, the fish would jump out of the water to eat the fly, and the bear would reach out to catch the fish and the hunter would have a perfect shot and drop his cheese sandwich and the mouse would leave his hole and I would have lunch."
Just then, the fly drops six inches and sure enough the fish jumps out of the water to eat the fly when the bear reaches out to catch the fish, the hunter takes aim and shoots at the bear, dropping his cheese sandwich, and the mouse dashes out of his hole to get the sandwich, the cat hunches up and jumps at the mouse.... but he overestimates the jump and lands in the lake instead.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly drops six inches, a p**sy gets wet.
This was funny. For everyone but Donald Trump:
Mexican immigrant designs Fuckface von Clownstick butt plug
http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/255601/mexican-immigrant-designs-fuckfac...
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
Yeah, but did they get laid?!?
Thought this video was funny in an absurd way, so I'm posting it here.
The Exodus song - "This land is mine".
https://vimeo.com/50531435
Early Man - the first human settlers in Israel/Canaan/the Levant.
Killed by Canaanites
Killed by Ancient Egyptians
Killed by Assyrians
Killed by Israelites
Killed by Babylonians
Killed by Macedonian/Greek (Alexander)
Killed by Greek/Macedonian (Internal fighting)
Killed by Ptolmaics
Killed by Seleucids
Not (!) killed by Hebrew Priest
Killed by Maccabee
Killed by Romans
Killed by Byzantines
Killed by Arab Caliph
Killed by Crusaders
Killed by Mamluk of Egypt
Killed by Ottoman Turks
Killed by Arabs
Killed by British
Killed by Palestinian
Killed by European Jew/Zionist
Killed by Hezbollah
Killed by PLO/Hamas/Hezbollah
Killed by State of Israel
Killed by Guerrilla/Freedom Fighter/TerroristState of Israel
So much killing for the only piece of land in that area that does not have oil :)
A young man was preparing to jump of Lovers Leap when he heard a voice behind him. He turned around and saw a very old and ugly, filthy dirty woman.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm a witch" she replied.
"Fuck, that's all I need" He said.
"No you don't understand, I'm a good witch and I can help you" The ugly old woman replied.
The young man thought to himself, Well, I've got nothing to lose so he started to tell her his problems.
"I embezzled a million dollars from work and the auditors are inspecting the books so I mortgaged my house to repay the money but temptation got in the way and I lost it all gambling, To make matters worse my secretary is pregnant with my child and my wife found out and she took our kids and left me. Everything has just collapsed around me"
The filthy dirty, ugly old woman looked at him with compassion in her eyes and said "I'll sure I can fix all that for you"
She found a flat rock in a sheltered spot and lit a circle of candles and sat in the middle of the circle and went into a trance interspersed by screaming and shrieking. After about 5 minutes she regained her composure and said.
"Everything is OK now, the auditors have completed their audit and have found no discrepancies, the bank has been taken over by a larger bank and in the process your mortgage has been lost, your secretary has just married her ex fiancee and your wife and kids are on a plane on the way home to you"
The young man was astonished and very grateful to the old, filthy, ugly woman and he asked if he could do something for her, maybe give her a lift back to town or buy her dinner.
"I don't need a lift and I'm not hungry" she replied "But you can do something for me"
"Anything" the grateful young man replied.
"Well, at my advanced age, men don't find me attractive, I would like you to have sex with me" she said.
The young man looked again at this ugly, filthy old woman and thought about everything she had done for him so he closed his eyes and had sex with her.
When they were finished he said "How old are you?"
"73" she replied.
"I can't believe that you are 73 and still enjoy sex that much" he said
"How old are you?" The old woman asked.
I'm 33" the young man said
"I can't believe that you are 33 and still believe in witches" the old woman replied.
Haha, dirty old woman indeed.
Hint was from the start, nice one
A young man was broke and knocking on doors looking for odd jobs.
A man felt sorry for him and told him to paint his porch out the front of the house.
After about an hour the young man knocked back on the door and said "I've finished the job"
The man paid him and the young man said "I'm not sure if you realise it but that's not a Porsche, it's a BMW"
An English professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Without intelligent design, how do meteors always land in craters?! Checkmate, atheists!
How to Destroy an Atheist in an Argument:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghtoPiAE1sA
what did the believers and atheist say when Noah's story was told??
WOW! unbelievable.
Holy Shit
Proselytizing: https://imgflip.com/i/rb1xj
Two brothers live completely opposing lives, the oldest one lives by the good book, righteously and prays every day while the younger "bad" brother cheats on his wife, in his finances and indulges in liquor. The bad brother passes away (probably from too much alcohol right?), and years later the older brother dies.
The older brother is making his way up to heaven (apparently there's a queue right) and he can see through the fence that his brother is sitting on a pink cloud with a keg of beer on one side of him and a gorgeous blonde on the other, so seemingly enthralled with his situation that he doesn't even notice his brother headed for the gate. When he gets to the gate and sees Peter he tells him, "If that's what my brother is doing after all his sins I can't wait to see my paradise". After Peter realizes who he's talking about he smiles and says, "No, you don't understand, the keg of beer has multiple holes in it and the blonde has none".
My catholic step-father told me that one back in 1989. I was thirteen.
Thanks, Thought it was an old one while reading it.
Love the series of jokes in this "Bill Maher: Explaining Jokes to Idiots"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpVCC7azVp4
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is in deep shit!''
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
O'Shaughnessy and McGill are sitting in a pub looking out the window. McGill says "What's a matter O'Shaughnessy ? You look down."
O'Shaughnessy says "You see that cobble stone street McGill ? I laid each stone myself by hand. You'd think I would be known as O'Shaughnessy the Road Builder!"
"Aye" says McGill.
"And you see that covered bridge at the end of the way? I built that with my own two hands. You'd think I'd be known as O'Shaughnessy the Bridge Builder!"
"Aye" says McGill .
"But No!" says O'Shaughnessy , shaking his fists "A man goes and fucks just one goat!"
All the jokes i know are too long to post.
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