Coping with the death of a parent

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Flamenca's picture
Coping with the death of a parent

A brain tumor killed my dad last December, after months of agonizing deterioration, and now I feel strong enough to share with you some aspects of my experience.

My mother decided that we would not tell him the truth, so he had a reason to fight until the end. We respected her wishes, but my opinion is that we should have the right to know we are going to end this amazing, and only, life of ours, and be given the chance to finish unsolved issues, or spend our last moments however we please.

I do not know if it has something to do with my atheist view, but I was the only one in my closest family with the feet on the ground during the whole process, and when the day came, I had the clearest mind to make the arrangements that an event like this requires, which I found kind of surprising, given that I do not think there is an afterlife and I am pretty sure that we lost him forever. I found this kind of intriguing. Should not it be the opposite? I have no holy text to turn to and empty words of consolation like “he will be on a better place” do not work for me, but even so, I seemed to be the most balanced one.

And related to this last idea, something that @Apost and me commented on sometimes… Why is that my religious relatives, RCC ones especially, were so devastated about the idea of him dying? Should not they be thrilled thinking that he will be with their god? Should not it serve as a consolation believing that one day they will be in a paradise forever, once he left, at last, this vale of tears? After all, a last minute repentance guarantees your ticket to heaven.

One positive occurrence is that, despite the fact that each one of us (parents and siblings) profess a different religious belief, or in my case, lack of it, we managed to make a deal with the funeral and about the remainings so that we all ended more or less content. It is very important in these moments to stay together and reach agreements.

In the past, in this forum, some people posted about the death of a parent, and I remember writing that I did not know what to say to those who just lost someone very dear to them. Once a fellow atheist scolded us because, they say, it was about time we heathens learnt how to do it. This person was right, but even now, I don’t have a magic formula for people in this situation. All I can say, from my experience, is that, both at the funeral, or the days after his death, all I wanted was a hug and a “I’m sorry”, when I ran into someone who knew him and I hated when people asked me about the specifics of his last moments, that morbid curiosity we humans suffer from.

I would really appreciate your insight on these matters, especially if you have experienced the death of a very loved one, regardless if you are an atheist or a believer.

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comoke1024's picture
I'm very sorry to hear about
terraphon's picture
@Flamenca
dogalmighty's picture
I do not think that religious
comoke1024's picture
@doG
fiat124's picture
My parents died 15 years ago.
David Killens's picture
I wish to express my sincere
CyberLN's picture
Flamenca, this may sound odd.
Flamenca's picture
Thank you, y'all, for your
Randomhero1982's picture
That's bloody awful, I'm so
Flamenca's picture
@Randomhero, hello, there. I
Randomhero1982's picture
@Flamenca, You are very
Flamenca's picture
@Random, in fact I can say
Cognostic's picture
Flamenca: It's great to see
Flamenca's picture
@Cognostic, it is wonderful
Sky Pilot's picture
As adults of varying ages we
Flamenca's picture
@Diotrephes, the passages you
Sky Pilot's picture
Flamenca,
Aposteriori unum's picture
Why not just tell them : "
Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Apost
Aposteriori unum's picture
Old Man, just saying...
Sky Pilot's picture
Aposteriori Unum,
algebe's picture
Hello Flamenca.
Flamenca's picture
Algebe! It's nice reading you
Old man shouts at clouds's picture
Hi Flamenca
Tin-Man's picture
Hey there, Flame. Good to see
Flamenca's picture
@Old Man and @Tin-Man, I love
David Killens's picture
" I hated when people asked
Flamenca's picture
@David Killens, that's a very
Fallen's picture
@Flamenca - Sorry to hear
Flamenca's picture
I appreciate your post,

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