10 Reasons to be Thankful for The Religious

Because we can’t be serious all the time. I hope this makes you smile.

Atheists do bang on about all the problems with religious believers, especially those who believe in some wish granting, sinner spanking, bedroom peeping, big sky daddy. But there are things about religious believers to be thankful for, and here are my top 10.

1. Sunday Morning Golf

With all those Christian people sitting in church on Sunday mornings, it’s much easier to get on the good golf courses on Sunday mornings, while the pious are busy on their knees praying for all the things they want instead of enjoying what they have. Better to have them in the communion line than in line for the early morning tee off. Go get your golf clubs, and be thankful for the religious.

2. Faster Loading Porn Internet Sites

Just imagine the web traffic if all those Koran reading, Bible studying, Torah reciting, and Rig Veda chanting persons were giving in to their natural human instincts and were seeking sensual satisfaction from our newest technological wonder? Your internet porn would load at half the speed it does now, and the best sites would be twice the cost.

So, get ready to indulge your visual senses, and thank the sexually frustrated religious.

3. Cheaper Bacon, Smoked Pork Chops and Ham Hocks... and Lobster

(Sorry, but if you’re a vegetarian, this one is not for you.) With all those religious folks eschewing dead pig, as well as some avoiding shrimp, lobster and oysters, and many Hindus, Buddhists and Jains avoiding dead animal products altogether, there is more for the rest of us dedicated carnivores. Personally, since YHWH never gave the Hebrews
a reason for avoiding pork other than “I told you so,” I always figured he did it out of spite. Same goes for circumcision. YHWH knew that pork, especially smoked bacon, was the best tasting meat product, and he just didn’t want them to have it. Same thing with the sensitive bit at the end of the penis. “If I can make your life less enjoyable” says YHWH, “then I am good with that.” And Mohammad? Well, he didn’t have a reason for calling pork “unclean” either and was just plagiarizing a bad idea. Most other kids in school learned not to copy the answers of the class idiot... So next time you enjoy a delicious bacon cheeseburger, BLT, or smoked pork chops with sauerkraut, be thankful for the abstentious religious.

4. Better Alcohol Prices and Selection

Imagine if all the Baptists and Muslims were out there were seeking the same fine single malt whiskeys? Or the best vintage wines. Or the premium golden waters of malted barley and hops from select micro­breweries. More competition for a limited resource means less for the rest of us and higher prices. What would we do if the world’s Muslims suddenly decided that they didn’t want to wait for the streams of wine promised to them in paradise, and instead wanted to partake of the earthly ambrosia that is champagne, or Glenlivit 18, or even the grog of Hunter S. Thompson, “Wild Turkey” bourbon? So the next time you’re enjoying your favorite tipple, spare some thanks for those religious teetotalers.

5. More Anal and Oral Sex for Male Heterosexuals

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OK, if you’re female, you miss out on this, likewise for homosexuals. Don’t ask me about transgenders, because it gets too complex and this is a short blog today. But for men who like women, there are a lot of religious women out there who want to keep their virginity safe for marriage, but that leaves plenty of leeway for the anal and oral variety of physical enjoyment and satisfaction. Why, there is even a wonderful song about it. At the Christian affiliated undergraduate university I attended, the freshmen first semester used to be known as “cherry picking season” – a “cherry” was an American euphemism for virginity. But thankfully, there are other options that keep the much vaulted and highly overrated female virginity in place. So, when you’re enjoying a little action along these lines, spare some thanks for the religions that view women as goods for sale.

6. You Have a Better Chance to Get Into College and of Passing Many Classes

Fundamentalist religious believers reject most of the basic foundations of evolution, geology, anthropology, cosmology, astronomy, genetics, taxonomy, biology, physics, philosophy, history, psychology, sociology, law, and also assiduously avoid contact with all manner of “corrupting” influences, such as what much of the rest of the world would consider to be great literature (holding up a copy of Emile Zola’s “Nana” or “Germinal” has the same effect on a member of the American Tea Party as a cross has on a vampire – and the Marquis de Sade’s “Justine” causes them to spontaneously combust). So, the fundamentalist religious can’t do as well on standardized tests. I mean how great is it that in a competitive test of intelligence and knowledge, at least 1/3 of the competition is intentionally making themselves stupid through Bible schools, gurukulas, yeshivas and madrasas? Next time you get a grade in the top percentile, thank the religious for elevating faith over facts.

7. Better Access for Medical Treatment

The religious (and I am talking here of everyone with “faith” in unproven, imaginary forces) have faith healers available to them (especially the Hindus and American Christians – who even put theirs on TV), Chinese medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy, pyramids under their beds, healing crystals, the latest internet “cure” for cancer, and the ever present and ever (im)potent option of prayer, relics with healing powers, meditation (ok, it does work for headaches, but just try it on diarrhea, I dare you – just don’t try it in my house), water treatments, enemas (of water, coke, ostrich milk, whatever), and pilgrimages to “holy” places, like Mecca and Lourdes. Just imagine if all these people were to queue up to get actual medical treatment? Would there be enough Viagra in the world if people stopped using oysters, chocolate, bits of snake, rhino horn, ginseng, bits of tigers, dried seal penis (a past favorite in Korea), etc.? So next time you make an appointment with your doctor, spare a kind thought for all those sickos praying for cures and taking powdered deer antler to get an erection clean their kidneys and improve their eyesight, and thank the religious (and the gullible).

8. Shorter Queues at Cultural Exhibitions

Going to the British Museum of Natural History, or the Chicago Museum of Natural History? Just think of how much longer the queues would be if all those evolution denying religious folks were there as well. Want to see the latest production of “Equus”? Thank the religious that there are still tickets available (they are all watching “Grease” or “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”). Want to spend an afternoon at the planetarium? Just be glad that the Muslims don’t need to go, because they know all about the 7 heavens from the infallible Koran. So next time you’re at an uncongested museum or can enjoy a good seat at the theatre, just thank the religious who are off looking at statues of humans riding on dinosaurs.

9. Horror Movies and Books

While there are horror movies that involve aliens (usually inexplicably stupid ones), and ones with psycho human killers, some of the most popular are those with ghosts, demons (even made­up Babylonian ones, as in “Sinister”), the “evil one” like Satan or Shaitan for Christians and Muslims, possession of humans by malevolent spirits, fox spirits (if you’re a fan of Chinese and Japanese movies), jinns and angels, and all manner of supernatural beings and forces. Where would we be without this marvelous source of morality tempting, virgin possessing, head spinning, human lusting, and totally irrational mythology? Without it, there would be a constant stream of “Friday the 13th,” “Saw,” and others flicks that require copious amounts of fake blood and rubber disembodied limbs. I mean how many times can you watch a movie about humans killing other humans, whatever the reason or method? If I wanted that form of entertainment, I’d just watch the evening news. Even if I don’t believe in these demonic and ghostly things I still enjoy the idea, just like I enjoy the stories about 4 armed Martians on Burroughs’ Barsoom, and the robots in Asimov’s Robot and Foundation series, and the tentacle waving madness inducing “Old Ones” of Lovecraft. So next time a movie makes you jump, or a good ghost story keeps you reading all night until it’s finished, thank the religious for their paranoid imagination.

10. Superiority

If you don’t have a religion, you lack a peer group which can look down its nose at others who are less enlightened. For the religious, those who lack the blessings of the Holy Writ, who aren’t the “chosen” people, who haven’t been “saved”, who don’t follow the noble path, who aren’t “one of us” are therefore natural inferiors. Every self­identified group has its own creed of superiority – just look at physicists divide themselves over the topic of unprovable “string” or “M” theory. If you think the religious slag each other off, you haven’t met a physicist after a couple of drinks (the physicist, not you) – but they draw the line at physical violence, maybe because they really weren’t very good at sports in school? But for atheists, our peer group are those people who don’t believe in global floods, flying horses, splitting moons, flying palaces, talking monkeys, snakes and donkeys, and all manner of patently ridiculous claptrap. It’s easy to feel superior to someone who thinks that there are angels and souls and a god who could create the universe but couldn’t make Π a rational number. Listen to Pat Robertson, Zakir Naik, Zecharia Sitchin, Reb Moshe, or the Dali Lama (well, actually he is pretty cool...) and let the waves of the “wow, do I know more than them” mentality roll over you like a hot tub tsunami, and while you’re awash in the warmth of confirmation of your intellectual supremacy, remember to thank the mentally enfeebled religious.

Photo Credits: image: North Charleston

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