Christian missionary has been killed .....

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Randomhero1982's picture
I actually shuddered at that,

I actually shuddered at that, well played! Lol

Cognostic's picture
What if Diotrephes had landed

What if Diotrephes had landed on the island. SWISH! SWISH! SWISH! "Hey? Where'd he go?"

Tin-Man's picture
I would pay money to see Old

I would pay money to see Old Man land on the island....

...*zig-zagging at high speed back and forth across the beach on his trike*.... *taking long swig from half empty bottle of wine*... "G'day, mates! I has cometuh liberate yer filthy arses, ye primitive bastards!"... *swish*... *zip*... *zing*... "HAH! Ya missed, ye cross-eyed fumble-fingered idgets! Is that the best ya got?!?"... *PLINK-zinnnnnng*.... "Arrrrrh! Ho-ho! Now you've done it! Ye done gone-an marred the new paint job on me helmet, ye fooker!".... *maniacal laughter*.... *finishes drinking remainder of wine in one long swig*... *slings empty wine bottle into the surf*... *hoists jousting pole under right arm*.... *aims trike directly for gathered group*... "Have at ye!!!! Tally hoooooooo....!!!".... *swish-zip-zing-swish-swish*... *PLINK-zinnnnnnng*.... *swish-zip-swish-PLINK-swish*... *THUNK*... "OW! Bloody hell! Right in me left arse cheek, ye sneaky shite!"... *shaking fist toward treeline to the left*... *increases speed and continues toward group*.... *swish-zip-PLINK-PLINK-PLINK-zinnnnnng-swish-swish-zip*....

Pirate Jack's picture
Hey fellow islanders! I have

Hey fellow islanders! I have free coconut cookbooks to give to the first 10 heathens to accept Jesus Christ as your THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

Cognostic's picture
Thunk! "Holee" Thunk!

Thunk! "Holee" Thunk! Holee Thunk! Holeeeee......

Rohan M.'s picture
What is looove... *THUNK*

What is looove... *THUNK* baby don't hurt me... *THUNK* don't hurt me... *THUNK* no more... *THUNK*

Rohan M.'s picture
Do you know da wae? *THUNK*

Do you know da wae? *THUNK*

Cognostic's picture
"THUNK!"

"THUNK!"
"Oh look, an arrow in the sand!"
"THUNK, THUNK!"
"What the hell? I don't remember those arrows in the coconuts."
"THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK."

Cognostic's picture
"ZZZZZZIP!"

"ZZZZZZIP!"
(Looking about.) "Wasp?"
"ZZZZZZIP!"
(Looking about.) "Mosquito?"
"ZZZZZZIP!"
(Looking about.) "Bumble bee?"
ZZZZZZIP!
"Looking about. Speaking out loud to self.) "What in the hell is that noise?
"ZZZZZZIP, THUNK!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhharpoon!"

Tin-Man's picture
"Oh, wow! I feel so welcomed!

"Oh, wow! I feel so welcomed! I just arrived, and it looks like the whole village has arrived to give me a 21 bow salute! This is awesome!"... *waving and calling to crowd*... "Hey, everybody! Thank you so much for meeting me here! But... uh... shouldn't your archers be pointing those things the other way? Looks almost like they are aiming right at m-"... THUNK! (21 times)...

Cognostic's picture
"Hi guys! I got a joke for

"Hi guys! I got a joke for you! What's the difference between a tribe of angry pygmies and a girl's track team?"
"THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK ---- cunningrunnnnnntssss. "

Grinseed's picture
Just got back from the

Just got back from the inaugural flight with the Sentinelese Joyflight Company. It was great except for all that thunk thunk thunk noise.

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Dark One's picture
"I have been so nice to them.

"I have been so nice to them. Why are they so angry and so aggressive?"

They're literally a stone age tribe that has no contact at all with the outside world. You may as well have landed from an alien spaceship, they have no idea whats going on.

Pirate Jack's picture
Why hello native islanders!

Why hello native islanders! Is that a bow in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
THUNK THUNK THUNK

Tin-Man's picture
(In the voice of Captain

(In the voice of Captain James T. Kirk...)

...*speaking into recorder*... "Missionary's log... Star-date 8-6-7... 5-3...0-9... Arrived... on the island. Sensors indicating... multiple... indigenous life forms... approaching from tree... line... Will attempt... to make contact... in an effort to alter.... the natural development... of their .............. species... Despite the... Prime Directive.... expressly forbidding such... actions... it is my sense of... over... inflated ego and... self-appointed... duty... that demands I... totally disre...gard... the law."... *sees multiple natives emerge from tree line*... *continues speaking into recorder*... "Being approached by a... group... They seem... agitated... and are brandish... ing some type of... primitive... weaponry... that appears relative...ly harmless... Setting phaser to stu-"... THUNK! THUNK!... THUNK-THUNK-THUNK-THUNK!...

Cognostic's picture
(In the voice of Muhammad)

(In the voice of Muhammad) PBIH
"Have you folks seen my camel?" THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Cognostic's picture
(In the voice of Muhammad)

(In the voice of Muhammad) PBUH
"Have you folks seen my camel?" THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Pirate Jack's picture
Hey guys, do you like Wendy’s

Hey guys, do you like Wendy’s? When dese nuts snack you in the face? THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

Cognostic's picture
*Pulling the kayak ashore,

*Pulling the kayak ashore, standing, looking down the beach, "Jeeeeeeesssusss!"
"THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!"

Pirate Jack's picture
God Damn It!,!! Don’t you

God Damn It!,!! Don’t you savages wear underwear? THUNK THUNK THUNK!

Pirate Jack's picture
Hey let’s get this straight!

Hey let’s get this straight! God allows his messengers to molest children. That’s part of the path to salvation! Now hand them over!!!
THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK

cranky47's picture
Certainly worthy of a Darwin

Certainly worthy of a Darwin award, but I find the whole thing cause more for anger than mirth. The stupid ignorant cunt not only got himself killed, but probably caused his family a great deal of anguish. Not to mention the trouble and expense of recovering his body,. Fuckwit.

My favourite [true] missionary story, involved a group of Mormon missionaries in Thailand. Seems someone thought it was a dandy idea to have their photo taken sitting on a statue of the reclining Buddha. They were all arrested for sacrilege.

Tin-Man's picture
...*organ music playing

...*organ music playing softly in the background*... "...and in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost... Amen."... *opens eyes and raises bowed head to look back at group of natives*... "Thank you, brothers and sisters, for allowing me to share with you the wonderful Word of God. We are all truly blessed today. For I have been informed your tribe leader has decided to embrace the full spirit of the Lord and proclaim your villiage as a shining beacon for Christianity! Hallelujah!"... *steps from behind pulpit holding a Gomco clamp*.... "Now, I just need all the men to form an orderly line over here so that we can get started with the circumcisio-".... *THUNK-THUNK-THUNK-THUNK-THUNK!!!*....

Cognostic's picture
*Head rising slightly from

*Head rising slightly from the sand, gazing down the beach at the dark feet pounding the sand.* "Damn, I can't believe this thread, err, ummm, I mean,,,, beach is still here... THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Rohan M.'s picture
After half a year... *THUNK*

After half a year... *THUNK*

Pirate Jack's picture
My Lord has raised me from

My Lord has raised me from the dead!! I’m back to save your heathen souls! Surrender to me now!!

David Killens's picture
You can't keep a good man

You can't keep a good man down.

THUNK

Oops, looks like you can.

Cognostic's picture
"Jesus? Is that you?"

"Jesus? Is that you?"
"Yes my son. I would fly down there and scoop you up but I don't fly any more with these holes in my hands and feet. THUNK! Ow! Fuck! Not in the god-damn hand again!"

Cognostic's picture
* SINGING AS HE PADDLED HIS

* SINGING AS HE PADDLED HIS WAY TO THE ISLAND.....

I don’t care about tropical breezes
Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Sittin’ on the front of my canoe.

Comes in colors pink and pleasant
It glows in the dark ‘cause it’s iridescent
Protecting me from harm or feeling blue.

CHORIS
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the front of my canoe
Through my trials and tribulations,
right up to the Sentinal nations,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

He stands next to the sweet Madonna
She's in rhinestones sittin on a
pedestal of abalone shell.

Goin’ ninety I ain’t scared
Surf is up but THUNK THUNK THUNK....

Randomhero1982's picture
"You see, the banana fits

"You see, the banana fits perfectly into the hand...."

THUNK THUNK THUNK

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